Eating sushi late at night, my fifth meal, I spotted Ilima Todd arguing with the cashier about bringing her own drink from home. I quickly pulled Ilima away before rice, seaweed, and raw fish hit the fan, and distracted her with a few questions...
*this is a creative writing exercise. No Bruno Mars were harmed in the process.
1. WWE called, everyone is getting squashed! We need a new character, move, and costume. GO!!!
She shall be called River and come two by two with hands of blue. She will kill you with her brain.
Did you drink Hawaiian Punch & double the sugar dose before you said that or something?
Please don't tell me you didn't catch my Firefly reference. Or worse, have never seen it. It's like I don't even know you anymore.
I'm sorry but maybe I need to make a "meat pie" out of you...enjoy the reference.
2. Will you take the green glittery pill or the pink glittery pill?
Is this going to make my poop sparkle?
Only in the sun...before...Twilight.
*sniffs Hawaiian Punch* Not sure that's sugar added to it...
3. Love is in the ______
...way my husband buys me Taco Bell late at night (Fourth meal!!) when I'm having a bad day.
*munches on fresco taco & nachos* This is my go-to. *smacks Ilima's hand* Don't...touch!
Fine. I don't want any of your stupido taco anyway. *lies*
4. Best teased hair ever: Bret Michael's Poison days
or you when you wake up?
Um...a little of both? The 1980's called. They found me "modeling" in front of a bunch of Benetton posters. You're welcome.
I'm not sure I'm thankful for that "tease"!! Too soon?
5. Is that a candy wrapper?
No. I'm just glad toot-sie you.
But it looks shriveled up in a wad. Must not be that glad. Such a "tease". *brushes hair*
Not a wad...a roll. Or a pop. Either works. How many licks DOES it take?
6. Your hubs told me to ask if you know Bruno Mars...because you're Hawaiian in all.
He totes my BFF. And I'm, like, his treasure.
More like your Fourth Meal treasure!
Which would be a Mexican Pizza, thank you very much. I only go for "authentic" south-of-the-border cuisine. Hence the Taco Bell. And the pizza. Duh.
7. Did it suddenly get cold in here?
Here. I made you a cup of hot chocolate. With real cream and mini marshmallows.
Thanks. Maybe I also need toot-sie if Bruno would like some warming up, too.
Sorry girl, you've been locked out of heaven.
*throws Mexican pizza across room* Go fetch while I find the key!!
8. Give me your best pig impersonation.
"Groin groin," she says, rolling her R's.
Just gotta text from your hubs. He said no more Fourth Meal runs for a week. Dang that's cold... *sips on cocoa*
Toot-toot-toot-sie. *Burps* "Excuse me," she says bashfully. "Are you gonna share some of that cocoa?"
"Only if you keep talking in third person," she comments while winking.
9. If you were 007, what would your movie title be?
Octopuppy. (because puppies)
Ohhhhh I'm glad you pointed out it's because of the puppies. Here I was thinking it was because of...puppy. Thanks for the clarification. *pretends to sip on cocoa & looks away*
Well, my favorite colors is light tan & my favorite animals is "poopies". Excuse me while I go wear some stretchy pants in my room. Is for fun. (Nachoooooooooooooooooo!)
I'm beginning to seriously think that's not sugar added to your Hawaiian punch...
10. This is a doozy of a question but...is it like rain on your wedding day? The free ride, when you've already paid? The good advice you just didn't take?
You know it totally did rain on my wedding day.
Well Alanis just squealed. Oh wait. Nope. It was because she just bought a puppy, I mean, puppies. *dumps cocoa in sink* Bruno just texted! He said it's nach-o business about your fourth meal rendezvous but if I wanted toot-sie it, come on over & stop being a "tease". Well now, isn't that ironic.
If you didn't like my cocoa, you could have said so. *sobs* I even saved you a bean brunoritto, and this is how you repay me. Who would've thought...it figures. Go away. Read some books.
I just read a book on How To Make Ilima Vunerable. Your hubs wrote it. Great tips but it's in PIG latin. *throws another Mexican pizza across the room*
Ironically, I had a sparkling good time! While I was a little scared Tammy-Niska would make a meat pie out of me, I came out okay in the end--and didn't even have to rob a train in the process. I learned we can both be sweet (with chocolate chewy centers), but "every rose has its thorn" and I know not to TEASE Tammy anymore. I won't hide that key to heaven next time. When my BFF Bruno is in town, the three of us will have to think outside the bun and squeal like pigs together. Don't forget your stretchy pants!
*Gorges on Mexican pizza taco nacho-d tootsie-rolled pork* I'm already in sweat pants. *Hands Bruno Ilima's Hawaiian Punch* Trust me, it's not the sugar that packs the punch. But it is your awesome survival of my interview that earns you this badge, Ilima! Wear it loud and proud or pack it in your teased hair to find later!