I was down at a massage parlor working out some kinks from a night I can't remember, when I got a text. "Look behind you" There she was, Carrie Butler, standing in the doorframe! She said she had a knot in her buttocks and thighs just worked on. Hmmm..."kinky".
*this is a creative writing exercise. No strippers were harmed in the process*
1. Pitch me a TV show idea for us.
This summer, contestants from all over the country will fight for the chance to compete in WRITE OR CRY. It's a little like the website WRITE OR DIE - racing against the clock to complete work count goals - but we'll take a more extreme approach. Know an author who brags about cranking out 300 words per minute? Let's see if she can do it suspended over a shark tank while Gilbert Gottfried recites 50 SHADES OF GREY. Then, once she fails - I mean, IF she fails, - we (the judges) get to spin the Wheel O'Wailing! Will we give her just one Pringle? Will we shred her birth certificate? You never know!
Okay okay...WHAT is really in your water bottle?
Captain Mor - er, nothing. :)
2. Would you mind removing your shoes?
Only if you don't mind me running around in my Batman socks - because that's what I'm wearing. I buy my socks in the boys department, because they get all of the cool super heroes.
I'll let you but hand me your "water bottle". I may need a swig of that to enjoy it to it's max.
3. In you purse is a big fat _____.
...hole in my wallet!
You must be one noisy stripper...ching-ching-ching.
4. Who wore bedazzling better: Elvis or Dolly?
Dolly acting as an Elvis impersonator? What do you mean that's cheating? Fine, fine...I guess hers would sparkly more - you know, since they stick out more to catch the light.
5. Would you like to party?
Are you serious? All this time, I thought I had to FIGHT for my RIGHT to parrrrtay. Now you're just asking me like it's no big deal? I gotta admit, it's a little anticlimactic...
Sorry, let me rephrase. WOULD YOU LIKE TO PARRRR - TY???
I'll get back to you on that.
*digs in pocket* Would a shiny penny motivate you?
6. In what movie would you beat up the lead girl in?
Well, I did do archery long before Katniss came into being...
*lowers cage over Katniss & Carrie* SHOW ME HOW YOU PARTY SISTA!!
*the girls launch at each other in a cartoonesque cloud of dust. Minutes later, Carrie is slammed against the bars all squishy - faced* D-Did I say Katniss? I meant Bella. BELLA. Bring on the cold one! *Silence* ...Hello? *Carrie twists around and throws a hard elbow* Darn it, Tammy! Stop selling tickets and save me! I was wrong. I don't want to fight for my right to party!
I can't hear you over your stripper coins! What???
7. Do you remember the night in Tahiti?
Barely. I remember testing out the car batteries, licorice, and chili powder for that scene in HONESTY. I think Chibs was there - or on TV. It's all a blur.
All I know is I have a tramp stamp on my back. No really...look. It rubs right off! Now these rug burns, that I'm unsure of...
8. Ice cream?
In the microwave! Don't judge me.
I'm sorry, but I have to. You just got a nine out of ten. I had to knock off a point for insecurity, or shall I say iceacreamity? No? Too soon?
Ba dum tssshhh!
9. What dress looks better, the red one or...the red one?
Well, the red one matches your eyes after that night in Tahiti, but the red one is so...red. Hey! Did you know red stimulates appetite? That why so many restaurants use it . Fun fact.
*gorges on bowl of creamy ice cream in red dress* What? I didn't hear you.
It's creamy because I microwaved it. You can thank me later. :D
You so earned your point back.
10. I know this is personal but please don't go chasing waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.
Sorry, Tammy. You know I'm going to have it my way or nothing at all. Unless of course, you think I'm moving too fast?
Chibs told me your not moving fast enough. I told him you're not an energizer bunny dang it! He said after Tahiti...he begs to differ.
Hey, what happens in Tahiti, STAYS in Tahiti.
*snuggles with Jax* done and done!
Whew! That was AN experience and a half. I shall always look back fondly at the mental scars - I mean, MEMORIES we share today <3. I learned that the world might not be ready for our brand of reality television, but that's okay. We have stolen coins, indiscreet water bottles, and bedazzled costumes. What more could we possibly want? Also, Katniss may have unresolved issues from the Hunger Games, so she's not ready for the cage circuit. Now back to Tahiti, where the ice cream melts on its own!
I have my red dress on, a gallon of mint chocolate chip, and a two plane tickets...ARE WE READY TO PARRRRRTY!!! And take your I SURVIVED MY INTERVIEW WITH TAMMY THERIAULT BADGE!!