Monday, May 13, 2013

MY LIVE, not so really but kinda, INTERVIEW WITH ALEX CAVANAUGH

It was a dark and stormy night...
 
I walked down a questionable alley to an abandoned warehouse, being told to meet there by way of a ninja star thrown at my front door with a note attached. (Really? Who does that? That was a brand new door!)
I stepped inside, sitting down in the only chair there, and felt a rush of wind pass me. "Alex Cavanaugh? Is that you?"
"Maybe."
"Well, let's get this going. I have to see a man about a horse." What? I love a good Palomino...
 
*This interview is a creative writing exercise.


1. Whoa, Alex, what is with the costume?
 
It’s my Ninja outfit. You do know I’m a Ninja, right? This is our uniform. Plus I have to keep my identity a secret. It’s in the Ninja Handbook. Chapter three, page twenty.

*pulls out handbook* Ok, Alex, it reads: "Under all Ninja outfits, each Ninja will uphold the secret codes in their invisible underwear." Whoa, dude, I gotta see those!! (Click)

Sorry, those were lost in the dryer…


2. I got a call from the Jerry Springer show. Is there a reason I am meeting you on stage?

Tammy, I’m your father. No? I’m your long-lost twin brother. Not buying that? All right, I’m the guy you cut off in traffic the other day, and I’m blaming you for my road rage and the thirty car pileup on the freeway. I may or may not have taken out your mailbox as well. Paternity test!

I guess this is better than the time you took me on Maury and tried to claim 2 out of 4 of my Ninja kids weren't yours. I mean, come on!! They even look like you...well...the eyes, cause that's all I can see of them. Dang coded suits!

Even Ninja kids must stay in uniform. That’s on page fifty-two of the handbook.

I doubt that…oh wait, 52? It says “Ninjas are born in uniform. Not made.” And here I was thinking my kids just loved wearing black onesies and bokkens.  


3. I have a free cruise ticket for anywhere. Tell me where you want to go.

I don’t need a cruise. I’m already on the express elevator to hell, going down!! (You have seen Aliens, right? Yes? No? Nevermind…)

You might want to change into your flame retardant ninja suit then. Dang it! These kids of yours won't stop chopping my vegetable garden up with their killer sharp hands! I know these are yours...stop running away from me!! I need child support from your book sales! Stop!! Wait!! (Click)

And like that, the Ninja kids were gone…


4. I found a genie! I know, he looks like the guy on the corner, but he still wants to grant you 3 wishes. What are they?

Whirled peas! No wait, I don’t like peas. How about Kate Beckinsale? More than one of course, because my clones will all want one. That counts as one wish though!

Next, I want to be the best guitarist in the world. If I was that good, I wouldn’t have to tour or anything, I could just teach others. I mean really, do you know what goes on at those after show parties? I’m not waking up naked on top of the tour bus.

Finally, I want a teleporter because the commute to work is hell. All right, I confess I just want one so I can teleport Honey Boo-Boo into a black hole. (That’s still legal in this state, isn’t it?)

I told Kate about the invisible underwear...she backed out. I DO know what goes on after those parties...your pre-ninja boxers are on the flag pole still. I will say this, I'll bring Honey Boo-Boo...you push, plus, I'll tell Kate they are glow-in-the dark. Deal?

Maybe I can give them to Kate as a present…


5. Wanna go play at the playground down the street?

Sounds like a strip club I visited for a bachelor party. And no, I don’t want to go back…

Ouch! I just saw the YouTube clip of it. Looks like you got wacked in the eye! Should have worn those two eye protectors I told you about. Yeah, they may look like tassels, but trust me, they are eye protectors. Trust me...*devilish grin*


6. I’m gonna give you the opportunity to echo off the top of a Swedish Mountaintop. What are you going to say for the echo?

My lederhosen is crushing my Swedish meatballs!

Can I echo behind you? "I need a better nutcracker! Mine just broke!" I mean really...those soldiers are made out of flimsy wood. Oops...did that sound bad? No? Ok. (Click)


7. Knock – Knock

BANG! I told you I’d shoot, but you didn’t believe me. Why didn’t you believe me?

I did believe you, that's why I'm yelling at you from my army tank. Say hello to my little, not quite so little, friend! BOOOOSH! "REAP IT MURPHY!!"

You missed. Told you we Ninja are stealthy.

Did you say wealthy? You know I need that child support. Oh, you said stealthy. Crap.


8. Ok. 2 drinks are in front of you. I want you to test both, tell me what they taste like, & which you like.

Bleah! First one tastes like tar. Is my tongue still intact? I feel like I just licked asphalt. What is it? Coffee! Now that’s just cruel…
Second one is cold and creamy. I taste chocolate. And peanut butter! A Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup milkshake – awesome. Why does it glow though?

Um... I don't know. *puts on x-ray goggles* DUDE! I can totally see you!! Score!

Crap! Now you must sign this waiver and be sworn to secrecy. (Page seven in the handbook.) 
Page 7 says "everybody was kung-fu fighting....du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du." That IS one catchy tune. Heck I'll sign and pretend it's our ninja child support papers. Cha-ching!


9. If a ninja was Santa Claus, what exactly would he give us as presents?

He would give Ninja stars! Silver ones, gold ones, bronze ones… They’d come with a warning label of course. Ninja Santa wouldn’t want to be sued by an idiot trying to juggle them. Or take one orally. Or worse…

Use as Q-tips? Or TP? OUCH!


10. I generally don’t like personal questions, but I can’t help but ask, are you insane in the membrane, crazy insane, got no brain?

Unlike Cypress Hill, Ninjas aren’t crazy! We’re just misunderstood. You creep around at night all dressed in black for a couple years and see what that does to YOUR head.

Give you major split-ends? Make you always put a bowl on your head for haircuts? I'm confused.

You should’ve read the Ninja Handbook.

And just like that...the handbook was gone.

 
THE RECAP 

Thank you, Tammy! I’ve learned that underwear is overrated and that I should probably never play Santa Claus. Now, let’s go teleport Honey Boo-Boo into that black hole…
Don't forget what else we learned today! I really gotta take you on the Maury show again. That handbook, if it ever reappears, will make for some good leverage, or weight, as I use it against you. And I'm thinking of buying stock in Woolite.
BEST OF ALL...I SECRETLY (CLICKED) PICS OF ALEX!! CHECK THEM OUT!!
 
IF YOU ENJOYED THE INTERVIEW...YOU CAN BE NEXT! JUST SAY SO!
EMAIL ME AT : TAMMYBR12@GMAIL.COM
 
 

106 comments:

Mark Koopmans said...

DUDE!

You Tammy-fied Alex:)

Great job and another hilarious interview.

Who's next?

Mini-Alex?

(Or would that be less funny, more like a wooden interview...?)

Mark Koopmans said...

PS, Tammy, I made some happy comments about you on my blog Monday :)

Carole Anne Carr said...

Just LOVED the interview!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Thank you, Tammy!

Brinda said...

OMG! This is the most hilarious interview I've read in a while. Please make sure you take care of Honey Boo-Boo. Thanks. I appreciate it.

Elizabeth Spann Craig/Riley Adams said...

Great interview! And I love the idea of teleporting around town. :) Bad traffic in NC cities!

Natalie Aguirre said...

Fun interview. And I loved the pictures at the end. Wonder if we'll ever know what Alex looks like.

J.L. Campbell said...

I knew Tammy was a riot and that Alex, apart from being a Ninja is related to the energizer bunny.

Now *scratches head*, I feel as if I've been on an adventure with the ninja twins and been to that black hole with Honey Boo-Boo and back. :D

Lynda R Young said...

you guys have been eating left over ninja cookie dough right? ;)

Elise Fallson said...

LOL! Great Ninja interview. Hope you get that child support! :D Dang it, Now you've got that song in my head.....

Man O' Clay said...

You earned that badge, Alex!

Melanie Schulz said...

Hilarious!

L. Diane Wolfe said...

Oh my God that was funny. Please zap Honey Boo-Boo to another galaxy, too.

Donna K. Weaver said...

That Alex! It's not possible to get a serious comment out of the guy is it? lol And I so knew Kate was going to have to show up in the comments.

Great job.

Brian Miller said...

that might just be the best interview evah! haha....yikes on the liederhosen...

Pat Hatt said...

hahahaha awesome interview, good luck with the child support, ninja's are kind of cheap. And the cat agrees, flush honey boo boo down a black hole but first give her fleas.

J. A. Bennett said...

This was the height of hilarious! Love you guys!

Clarissa Draper said...

What a great interview! I can't believe they caught photos of Alex and put them on the internet...

Jo said...

Guess I'm the wrong generation.

JO ON FOOD, MY TRAVELS AND A SCENT OF CHOCOLATE

mshatch said...

Fun interview!

Jay Noel said...

This was all levels of awesome. Sometimes, I think I'm on that same elevator.

And I will never look at Santa in the same way ever again.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

"Ninja in Lederhosen" -- there's the title to your next book right there.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Mark, Mini-Alex is always up for an interview.

Elizabeth, exactly!

Joy, hope you didn't bring back Honey Boo Boo though.

Donna, serious is overrated.

Pat - fleas! Good idea.

Jay, hope I didn't ruin him forever.

Debra, possibly!

Suze said...

Who's Honey Boo Boo?

Tina said...

OMG, I felt like I had ADD reading that, but I could NOT stop giggling. Thank you for choosing Sweden for your mountain top, and of course the lederhosen was my favorite bit! Hope your meatballs survived...
Tina @ Life is Good
Co-host, April 2013 A-Z Challenge Blog
@TinaLifeisGood, #atozchallenge

Stephen Tremp said...

Those lederhosens can shrink in the dryer. I let mine dry on a clothes line in the wind.

Heather M. Gardner said...

That was fun.

I'm so confused.

In a good way.

I think.

:)

HMG

ilima said...

Awesome interview. You two crack me up!

Pk Hrezo said...

LOL.. love it! And gosh darn I love that Cypress Hill album. Blast from the past.
And yeah we're all pretty glad Santa's not a ninja. :)

Teresa Coltrin said...

Very cool, both of you!

LD Masterson said...

I followed the ninja guy in here - which wasn't easy since he's... well, a ninja. Loved the interview.

Got to go make myself a peanut butter cup milkshake now. Dang you, Alex.

Carol Kilgore said...

Too funny! I'm still giggling :)

Arlee Bird said...

I stepped inside, sitting down in the only chair there, and felt a rush of wind pass me. "Alex Cavanaugh? Is that you?"

Are you saying Alex passed wind in your presence? I guess those Reece's Peanut Butter milkshakes will do that.

Lee
An A to Z Co-Host
Tossing It Out

Karen Lange said...

Well, my Mom used to say that you learn something new everyday. She was right! Thanks, Tammy and Alex, for sharing this with us!

Rachel Schieffelbein said...

Great interview, you guys! Very fun. :)

M.J. Fifield said...

This was hilarious, but I have one question...if keeping your identity secret doesn't come up until chapter three, what do the first two chapters cover?

Nancy Thompson said...

Hilarious! And very creative. Can't believe you got Alex to open up like that!

S.K. Anthony said...

Too frigging funny! :D

Julie Luek said...

Two quick wits well matched. So fun to read.

Sheena-kay Graham said...

Wonderful interview. I'd love to teleport too. This was so hilarious! Thanks for doing this Alex. Tammy you did another great interview girl.

Charles Gramlich said...

Lol, enjoyed that!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Suze, if you don't know, count yourself blessed.

Tina, meatballs still intact.

Sorry, PK. Just not my genre.

LD, enjoy!

Funny, Lee.

MJ, the first chapter is an intro and the second full of disclaimers.

Thanks everyone!

Hart Johnson said...

Oh, that was HYSTERICAL! Excellent interview! And Alex, any experience where you wake up naked in a good experience... *nods*

Elizabeth Seckman said...

Too funny! Loved it...as always.

I was intrigued to learn Alex went to the Joe Biden school of gun safety! Hehe

michelle said...

Crazy is an understatement...!
Honey Boo Boo? Who or what is that/it...? A bear?

Jeremy [Retro-Z] said...

Wait are we talking to Alex or Ninjas... it's hard to tell they both are in two places at once. I this a great mix of stories I learned so much, it made my a little dizzy. I must lay down.

:)

Jeremy [Retro]
Oh No, Let's Go... Crazy

Andrew Leon said...

Great, thanks. Now, I'm going to have that image of Alex on top of the bus haunting me.
Go away! Go away!

Johanna Garth said...

This was awesome! I love seeing the silly side of Alex.

~Sia McKye~ said...

Lolol! Too funny. There's a Ninja handbook? Sheesh. I didn't get a copy. Prolly why I failed the whole secret identity thing...

Sia McKye OVER COFFEE

Tammy Theriault said...

THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR READING!! WHOA, YOU GUYS ARE AS NINJA AMAZING AS POSSIBLE.

Melissa Sugar said...

Hilarious interview. I loved it.

Beverly Fox said...

Funniest interview i've ever read. EVER!.

Lexa Cain said...

I don't think I'll ever get the Liederhosen crushing meatballs and that pic out of my head. That's a new and very interesting way to picture ninja Alex! :-)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Hart, not if I have a hangover though.

Michelle, if you don't know, you're lucky.

Andrew, one way or another, I get to you...

Lexa, that picture has been doctored to protect the innocent.

Empty Nest Insider said...

This was fun! I especially enjoyed the photos of Alex in disguise! Great job Tammy and Alex!

Julie

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

He wants to teleport Honey Boo Boo into a black hole? They don't call him Captain Ninja for nothing. You two should join forces more often. This was great fun.

xoRobyn

Christine Rains said...

*LOL* That was a fantastic interview. Oh the things we learn about ninjas. And the secret ninja affair between the two of you. Invisible underwear gets you in so much trouble!

Old Kitty said...

The Cap'n in invisible underwear!??!

*Blacks out*

*After smelling salts...*

The Cap'n in invisible underwear!??!

*Blacks out again*.

Take care
x

Carrie Butler said...

You should compile all of these into a "Before They Were Ridiculously Famous" e-book!

Side note: Guess what's on the bookshelf behind me? I kid you not. It's the Ninja Handbook.

Mel Chesley said...

Haha! That was great! I think the lederhosen made me laugh the hardest...

Nick Wilford said...

The most random interview ever. Great job!

I think I saw Honey Boo-Boo on a trailer... so her show is coming to the UK? Get that black hole up and running!

M Pax said...

That was most fun Tammy and Alex. Eye protectors, huh? And it sounds like that invisible underwear gets around.

M Pax said...

That was most fun Tammy and Alex. Eye protectors, huh? And it sounds like that invisible underwear gets around.

Isis Rushdan said...

Fantastic interview. I think the Mrs. might have a problem with one of your wishes, Alex :).

Sherry Ellis said...

What a hilarious interview! I need to get a copy of that Ninja handbook. I think it contains valuable information!

Ella said...

So fun! I enjoyed all the fun- ;D
If you need help with Honey Boo Boo just let me know~
I wanna get hold of that handbook-I could use some Ninja tricks~

Well done you two!!

Tammy Theriault said...

THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR READING! I'M ENJOYING READING ALL YOUR COMMENTS!!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Kitty, sure do!

Carrie, great idea, and that is too funny.

Isis, at least I didn't wish her away.

Thanks again, Tammy!

The Golden Eagle said...

This was the craziest, most fun interview ever.

Jemi Fraser said...

Wow! Hard to keep up with the Ninja-view! Well played, both of you, well played :)

klahanie said...

Ah, Ninja type dude, excellent and most revealing.

There you go, this time I'm not going to leave one of my long, rambling, nonsensical comments.

Well done Alex and um what's her name, oh yeah, Tammy!

Gary :)

Stina Lindenblatt said...

So that's why guys in lederhosen yodel. And what about those ninja outfits? Do they like get bigger as you grow up?

Kyra Lennon said...

Lmao, this is genius!

Donna Hole said...

Lots of fun. Why don't you like Honey BooBoo!?

Yep, I need a teleporter too. Then I'd never get another speeding ticket.

......dhole

Tara Tyler said...

your interviews always crack me up!
way to take on the ninja & strip him of his mysterious mask & costume, completely exposed him! ha!

great job guys!

Rachna Chhabria said...

What a hilarious interview, Alex. Invisible underwear had me cracking up. And I want the Ninja Handbook. Thanks Tammy.

Debra McKellan said...

lol That was the trippiest thing I've ever read.

Suzi said...

Wow. He is the coolest Ninja I know. Granted, I don't know too many, or any, but he's definitely the coolest.

And Tammy, you're the coolest interviewer ever!

Michael Di Gesu said...

What a GREAT way to start my blogging day! After TWO LONG days driving from Florid to Chicago, I needed a LAUGH!

AS ALWAYS, Tammy, YOU DELIVER!

You two are HILARIOUS.

Too funny! I have the funniest visuals from this.... My imagination is even sicker than your humor, Tammy. LOL.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Stina, yes they do!

Donna, I'm stunned I don't have many of those.

Thanks, Suzi.

Michael, that almost scares me...

Cherie Reich said...

LOL! That was awesome!

Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

Hi Tammy and Alex - I had way too much trouble keep the invisibility cloak away so I could read some of the stuff, and then spot some ?s ...stars p'rhaps - and that Ninja Handbook I'd like to read some time .. must be some hidden clauses somewhere ...

Tammy I sure hope you get your child support - but Ninja child support I'd be somewhat anxious ..

Cheers to you both .. fun times around here .. Hilary

Tyrean Martinson said...

Hilarious interview!!!

Morgan said...

Hahaha!!!! Alex was awesome!!!! Loved his answers. So much fun, Tammy! You always do such a great job! :D

L.G. Smith said...

LOL. Out of control!

Well played, you two. Well played.

Tammy Theriault said...

ALEX WAS A BLAST!! THANKS TO ALL FOR READING AND WORKING OUT YOUR ABS WITH LAUGHTER!

M. J. Joachim said...

lol - Different is an understatement! This was a lot of fun.

Melissa Bradley said...

LMFAO!!! Ninja kids with sharp talons for hands, I love it! Terrific and I so needed the laugh. Thank you!

Pat Tillett said...

Good job by both of you! Pretty darn funny...

Nicki Elson said...

Congrats Tammy, on bringing out Alex unleashed (if not de-hooded).

Medeia Sharif said...

This is insanely hilarious. This made my night. Now I know the other side of Alex.

Tammy Theriault said...

HEY EVERYONE! PHEW, YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING! HOPE TO CATCH UP TO ALL OF YOU!!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Nicki - unleashed. I like it!

Thanks everyone and thank you again Tammy!

The Happy Whisk said...

Good to see you guys had fun with this, better to see no one got shot.

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

Okay, I would be completely terrified of an interview with Tammy. It takes a ninja to get through that.

Al Diaz said...

Ninja kids. No doubt they are his. You deserve the allowance. Don't take no for an answer, hahaha. Now just make sure it's him and not one of his clones you're talking to. One never knows. Excellent interview, Tammy!

celeste holloway said...

So that's what Alex looks like. Not bad! Thanks for clearing things up for me, Tammy. I've always wondered. :P

Tammy Theriault said...

I'M STILL LOOKING FOR ALEX...I HAVE THOSE NINJA CHILD SUPPORT PAPERS READY...

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Al, too late - it was a clone!

Celeste, those images may be doctored.

Must outrun those papers now!

Samantha May said...

This is hilarious!

I can just picture Tammy and a Ninja on Maury... :D

Lisa said...

OMG! You too are a great fit. Too funny and amusing to read. Loved it. Go Tammy, taking on a Ninja, and the head ninja at that! You sure gave him what for!

Lisa said...

I meant to say you Two!!! Typo, I was laughing too hard!

Deniz Bevan said...

That was great! I love fun interviews like this! I wish you'd consider touring, Alex... We could have poutine at 3 am after the show, here in Montreal!

Tammy Theriault said...

ALEX...COME BACK...I HAVE YOUR PAPERS :)

THANKS EVERYONE FOR READING~!!

Jai Joshi said...

Haha! I want some of the glowing peanut butter cup milkshake. I have just the person to give it to...

Jai

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