I walked down a questionable alley to an abandoned warehouse, being told to meet there by way of a ninja star thrown at my front door with a note attached. (Really? Who does that? That was a brand new door!)
I stepped inside, sitting down in the only chair there, and felt a rush of wind pass me. "Alex Cavanaugh? Is that you?"
"Well, let's get this going. I have to see a man about a horse." What? I love a good Palomino...
*This interview is a creative writing exercise.
1. Whoa, Alex, what is with the costume?
*pulls out handbook* Ok, Alex, it reads: "Under all Ninja outfits, each Ninja will uphold the secret codes in their invisible underwear." Whoa, dude, I gotta see those!! (Click)
Sorry, those were lost in the dryer…
2. I got a call from the Jerry Springer show. Is there a reason I am meeting you on stage?
Tammy, I’m your father. No? I’m your long-lost twin brother. Not buying that? All right, I’m the guy you cut off in traffic the other day, and I’m blaming you for my road rage and the thirty car pileup on the freeway. I may or may not have taken out your mailbox as well. Paternity test!
I guess this is better than the time you took me on Maury and tried to claim 2 out of 4 of my Ninja kids weren't yours. I mean, come on!! They even look like you...well...the eyes, cause that's all I can see of them. Dang coded suits!
Even Ninja kids must stay in uniform. That’s on page fifty-two of the handbook.
I doubt that…oh wait, 52? It says “Ninjas are born in uniform. Not made.” And here I was thinking my kids just loved wearing black onesies and bokkens.
3. I have a free cruise ticket for anywhere. Tell me where you want to go.
I don’t need a cruise. I’m already on the express elevator to hell, going down!! (You have seen Aliens, right? Yes? No? Nevermind…)
You might want to change into your flame retardant ninja suit then. Dang it! These kids of yours won't stop chopping my vegetable garden up with their killer sharp hands! I know these are yours...stop running away from me!! I need child support from your book sales! Stop!! Wait!! (Click)
And like that, the Ninja kids were gone…
4. I found a genie! I know, he looks like the guy on the corner, but he still wants to grant you 3 wishes. What are they?
Whirled peas! No wait, I don’t like peas. How about Kate Beckinsale? More than one of course, because my clones will all want one. That counts as one wish though!
Next, I want to be the best guitarist in the world. If I was that good, I wouldn’t have to tour or anything, I could just teach others. I mean really, do you know what goes on at those after show parties? I’m not waking up naked on top of the tour bus.
Finally, I want a teleporter because the commute to work is hell. All right, I confess I just want one so I can teleport Honey Boo-Boo into a black hole. (That’s still legal in this state, isn’t it?)
I told Kate about the invisible underwear...she backed out. I DO know what goes on after those parties...your pre-ninja boxers are on the flag pole still. I will say this, I'll bring Honey Boo-Boo...you push, plus, I'll tell Kate they are glow-in-the dark. Deal?
Maybe I can give them to Kate as a present…
5. Wanna go play at the playground down the street?
Sounds like a strip club I visited for a bachelor party. And no, I don’t want to go back…
Ouch! I just saw the YouTube clip of it. Looks like you got wacked in the eye! Should have worn those two eye protectors I told you about. Yeah, they may look like tassels, but trust me, they are eye protectors. Trust me...*devilish grin*
6. I’m gonna give you the opportunity to echo off the top of a Swedish Mountaintop. What are you going to say for the echo?
My lederhosen is crushing my Swedish meatballs!
Can I echo behind you? "I need a better nutcracker! Mine just broke!" I mean really...those soldiers are made out of flimsy wood. Oops...did that sound bad? No? Ok. (Click)
7. Knock – Knock
BANG! I told you I’d shoot, but you didn’t believe me. Why didn’t you believe me?
I did believe you, that's why I'm yelling at you from my army tank. Say hello to my little, not quite so little, friend! BOOOOSH! "REAP IT MURPHY!!"
You missed. Told you we Ninja are stealthy.
Did you say wealthy? You know I need that child support. Oh, you said stealthy. Crap.
8. Ok. 2 drinks are in front of you. I want you to test both, tell me what they taste like, & which you like.
Bleah! First one tastes like tar. Is my tongue still intact? I feel like I just licked asphalt. What is it? Coffee! Now that’s just cruel…
Second one is cold and creamy. I taste chocolate. And peanut butter! A Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup milkshake – awesome. Why does it glow though?
Um... I don't know. *puts on x-ray goggles* DUDE! I can totally see you!! Score!
Crap! Now you must sign this waiver and be sworn to secrecy. (Page seven in the handbook.)
Page 7 says "everybody was kung-fu fighting....du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du." That IS one catchy tune. Heck I'll sign and pretend it's our ninja child support papers. Cha-ching!
9. If a ninja was Santa Claus, what exactly would he give us as presents?
He would give Ninja stars! Silver ones, gold ones, bronze ones… They’d come with a warning label of course. Ninja Santa wouldn’t want to be sued by an idiot trying to juggle them. Or take one orally. Or worse…
Use as Q-tips? Or TP? OUCH!
10. I generally don’t like personal questions, but I can’t help but ask, are you insane in the membrane, crazy insane, got no brain?
Unlike Cypress Hill, Ninjas aren’t crazy! We’re just misunderstood. You creep around at night all dressed in black for a couple years and see what that does to YOUR head.
Give you major split-ends? Make you always put a bowl on your head for haircuts? I'm confused.
You should’ve read the Ninja Handbook.
And just like that...the handbook was gone.
Thank you, Tammy! I’ve learned that underwear is overrated and that I should probably never play Santa Claus. Now, let’s go teleport Honey Boo-Boo into that black hole…
Don't forget what else we learned today! I really gotta take you on the Maury show again. That handbook, if it ever reappears, will make for some good leverage, or weight, as I use it against you. And I'm thinking of buying stock in Woolite.
BEST OF ALL...I SECRETLY (CLICKED) PICS OF ALEX!! CHECK THEM OUT!!
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EMAIL ME AT : TAMMYBR12@GMAIL.COM