I spied Gary on his computer through his first floor window. He was laughing and typing readily while his dog, the infamous Penny, ran circles around his legs. So that's where Gary gets his energy. I thought thinking of all those long comments he writes. But can he interview without them??? To be continued...
**This interview is a test of creative writing skills!**
1. So, um, what is this place you asked me to meet you at?
I asked if you would kindly meet up with me at Harrison Hot Springs, British Columbia. You know, right beside the, "Sasquatch Parking Only", car space.
Dang it, Gary! Did you forget to pay rent on your space, again?? I’m NOT paying it for you this time. NO NO NO!!
Okay, you're correct, I didn't pay rent on MY my space. However, my friend, the Sasquatch, told me I could now park for free. And nobody's gonna argue with a Sasquatch!
I just friend requested you...crossing my fingers you'll except!
2. If you could make me into a gnome, what would it look like?
I would really enjoy making you into a gnome. Make you a famous gnome. Be a celebrity in 'Gnome', Alaska. See you as the main feature in the next edition of 'Better Gnomes and Gardens'. You would look just like Geoffrey the garden gnome whose hat lights up when he gets exited. Here he is:
Um, Gary…that’s not his “hat”. But your gnome seems to be very hairy. You really gotta stop your Sasquatch searching. I swear you must be from Maine. You’re very obsessed with hairy things…
Actually, there is a hat on his head. And it is his hat! At the time, Geoffrey was smashing his way through a box. That's why you cannot see his hat! I don’t go searching for the Sasquatch. The Sasquatch finds me. In fact, my pal the Sasquatch, has given me ideas about hairstyles. Or is that furstyles....Never been to Maine. Is it nice there?
Well like I said, "Maine" is quite a "hairy" place. Your obsessions will fit in nicely.
3. Is it true that you tried to give me roses from the 711 down the street?
Yes, it's true. However, the 711 was out of roses. I managed to get some roses from the gas station at half price.Wow! What a bargain shopper you are! Well, I guess then there is just no reason your Sasquatch parking spot wasn’t paid for… now is there.
I like to save money whenever I can. The dude at the gas station told me if I waited a couple of hours longer, I could have had the roses for free by taking them out of the garbage can. Hello?! The Sasquatch parking spot is for the Sasquatch. The Sasquatch parks for free. The Sasquatch does whatever it wants.
I’m curious what he “parks”. Maybe his big fat hairy butt…
4. Whoa...what's that stuff you're drinking?It's combination of 7UP and V8 juice. I'm hoping by drinking this combination that my adding up skills will improve.
Just don’t buy a Dr. Pepper. I hear they only take full payment upon visits…but you can make that money up buying selling your Coke.So what you're saying is that if I sell Coke, I can afford to visit Dr. Pepper. Thanks for the suggestion.
These suggestions have not been tested by the FDA.
5. If you could have a date with one celebrity, name her...or him.Besides you? Okay, let me think. Dating one of those Kardashian ladies would be most fascinating. Always wanted to date somebody who has a name that sounds like some alien lifeform on Star Trek.
Wait till you see them with no pancake makeup on and girdles off…now you’re REALLY going to see some alien life forms!
Wow! Thanks for the visual I just had. Maybe better off trying to have a date with Joan Rivers.
6. Gary? You ok?
No I'm not! That drink has made me sick. Knew I should of put the V8 in the container first.
I’ll take you to see Diet Dr. Pepper…he charges less!! Come on!
Oh is Diet Dr. Pepper still in this country. I heard he moved to Britain where you can see him for free.
7. I’m going to lock you in a room full of one thing to eat only; what is that food?
Prawns! That way I could think of fish puns, just for the halibut. Of course, I would soon clam up before I started to flounder.
And now you having a Sasquatch parking spot just made sense to me…That Sasquatch parking spot can be used by me. The Sasquatch thinks of me as a brother.
Does he refer to you as his little brother “Harry”?
8. Would you say you can predict the future?Not really. Although I can predict the past.
9. If you were to box one person in the ring, who do you want me to call?
That depended if somebody wanted to be placed in a box. Okay, call Rocky, as in Sylvester Stallone and not the flying squirrel.
*beep*beep* oh hey, he texted me back! Oh! He says he has to do another Expendables sequel and is low on black magic marker for his eyebrows and goatee so it’s a no go on account of his sagging face without it syndrome…buzzkill!! Got more Coke?
Oh well, send in Rocky the flying squirrel and his buddy, Bullwinkle the moose. I'll box 'em both! Oh yeah! I've got some Pepsi! Hope that's allowed.
I hear if you drink it before the match you’ll get a little “pep” in your step and speak in Spanish… “si”!
10. I know this is quite the personal question, but I must ask…are you a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world?Of course I am. "I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic!"
Why are the little gnomes gathering behind you singing it, too?? Gary…I’m scared… Geoffrey’s hat just lit.
Oh how the little gnomes love to sing that song. Whenever I go outside in my garden wearing my blonde wig adn short skirt, they start singing that song. Don't be scared of Geoffrey's lit-up hat. It means he likes you. He really, really like you!WHOA…what a visual.
Oh my, have I actually survived my interview with you, Tammy? I'm still in a state of shock that you would interview me! So let me see. I asked you to kindly meet up at the "Sasquatch Parking Only" location in Harrison Hot Springs. We established the fact that the Sasquatch is my friend and the Sasquatch has assured me I can park for free. Yep, nobody gonna' argue with a big hairy creature! Good news, the Sasquatch and myself are now officially your friends.
I informed you that if I could actually turn you into a gnome, you'd look like the bearded dude in the photo. Yep, you'd be a celebrity gnome and be in demand on every talk show going.
We worked out that I'm real thoughtful when it comes to buying you roses. I'm having a rethink about drinking a 7UP and V8 combo. It just doesn't add up. I would be better off trying to date Joan Rivers than some Kardashian alien lifeform. I'm hopeful that Dr.Diet Pepper can make me feel better after drinking that weird drink I had. I'd love to be locked in a room full of prawns. I can predict the past. I may well be boxing Rocky and Bullwinkle and end up with a "pep" in my step and speak in Spanish.."si!" I'll drink to that. To conclude, I'm a Barbie girl and the little gnomes in my magical garden love to sing that song whenever they see me wearing my blonde wig and short skirt.
How did I do, Tammy?
DANG IT, GARY!! YOU WERE SOOOOOO CLOSE! SO CLOSE TO NOT DOING A LONG COMMENT!! NOOOOOOOOO!!! In other news, I gotta give you mad props for ALMOST making it through. Heck I'll STILL give you a badge!! Wear it loud and proud!!
If you'd like to have a little fun and be interviewed, let me know!!
Email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org