Tuesday, March 26, 2013

MY LIVE, not so really but kinda, INTERVIEW WITH CHRISTINE RAINS!!!

It was a "dark & stormy night" entering the bowels of apartment 13. Christine emailed to enter but at my own risk. Earlier I had noticed all other numbers in the dusty hall were marked in the 1300's, but her's stood at the end. Like the very end. Very very end...like the janitor's closet. "Christine?" I called out amongst broom handles & feather dusters. "Shhhhh...come back here. Quick!" she whispered in a panic. "Ok?" I said reaching past mops to find her in the dark. "Ow! That's my eye!" "Sorry! But what are you doing in here?" "Hiding. I HATE cleaning after them!" "Them?" "Dang it girl...you read some of my books, right?" "Ohhhh...them." I shuddered thinking of the mess. "Let's pass time & interview, eh?"
I've learned things about Christine, I've never known...and shudder again to think twice about!!

*this interview style is a practice of spontaneous creative writing. Enjoy!

1. Disney called, they said you’re holding one of their princesses hostage. WTFrick??

I'm just covering for my harpy Meira. She had to have Cinderella and her incredible shoe collection. You just don't find glass slippers in stores these days. Disney has a whole freaky shoe treasure trove in that big old castle of theirs, and Meira wants it.

*pulls glass from foot* Trust me, glass slippers are overrated. Got any band-aids? I like the Disney Princess kinds.

I've got Harry Potter bandages. They glow in the dark. Lumos! Radioactive healing.

Expelliarmus!! I SAID PRINCESS BAND AIDS!! *pants* I am not a diva, I am not a diva, I am not a diva…

2. I have vacationed ALL over the U.S. growing up. I have one favorite tour spot though. Can you guess it?

Hmm, let's see. You're a mom and ride a motorcycle. So that means you're tough.  You would love a rough place like the dusty roads of Arizona or maybe the Badlands. No, wait, Dollywood. That's it.

Surprisingly…no. Come on girl, it’s every woman’s fantasy place. That’s my last hint!

Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!

GOSH DANG IT! NO!!! HERSHEY FACTORY IN HERSHEY, PENNSYLVANNIA!!! Cool thing, even the street lamps are in shapes of foiled Hershey kisses.

3. If you were given $20, what would you do with it?

I wouldn't go to Dollywood or Disney. I would lure the gorgeous neighbor boy over to cut my grass as I wash my car. There's nothing hotter than a shrieking middle-aged mom trying not to get sprayed by her toddler with a hose.

I think I just may pay your toddler in gummi bears to definitely hose you and cry “mommy, you’re stinky, you need a wash, too.” That’s not embarrassing, right?

Nope, not at all. I think that's happened, actually.

4. Finish this sentence: I have a lovely bunch of _______.

IwillnotsaycoconutsIwillnotsaycoconutsIwillnotsaycoconuts. Coco— uh, beans. Yes. To make homemade chocolate.

Mouths just watered everywhere… could you make a batch with that shredded white stuff on it? What’s that stuff called again? You know from palm trees??

Albino geckos?

5. I’ve got these free movie passes from when I was coddling those movie stars a few blog posts back. Which movie are we going to?

Weren't you talking about Sean Connery? He's in that new Fully Monty movie, right? Yeah, can you imagine that hotness. He'd take an old James Bond line and say: "My dear girl, don't flatter yourself. What I did this evening was for king and country. You don't think it gave me any pleasure, do you?"

I’m not sure about the movie being correct…but I WANT it to be correct. I would like the young dastardly Sean to say this while lying on a circular slow spinning 70’s velvet bed. *swoon*

6. One day, I want to buy my own sailboat and race my dad. What should I name it?

Hm, well, your dad is a great sailor with years of experience. You'd want to shock him with a name like “The Morbid Plunderer of the Sea.” Arrrr!

Oddly enough, you were right about my dad. What the flibberty jibbets? You sailed with him didn’t you!! You pirate traitor!!

I was under the influence of Davy Jones' locker stench!

The stench is rotten COCONUTS…wait, that just explained a LOT!

7. Gosh dang it! It’s raining again, and now we have to play indoors. You’re turn to pick the game!

Munchkin! No, Zombies! Wait, I want to play Apples to Apples. No! Let's play— *pulls out another game from the closet and everything topples on her head* Uh, maybe we'll play 50 game pick-up.

Maybe that should be a solo game…I gotta vendetta against a glass shoe store I need to take care of. Peace! *limps away* Stupid Cinderella couture.

8. Christine? What happened??

The Harlem Shake. It's the end of the world.

It’s more like the beginning of Mob Convulsions. Girl stop! You gotta do it like this *puts body on wall and starts convulsions*

You know, that's going to become all the rage now. And boy, do trends like that cause some rage.

I guess you could call that rage convulsions or “rage against the machine”. That is a catchy name. I’m going to create a hard core alternative band and name it that. Dang, I’m original!!

9. If you could interview a dead person, who would it be?

Well, it depends. Would they still be dead as I'm interviewing them? Can they be undead? I don't much like the idea of interviewing a zombie or an enraged ghost. Now a vampire, that's another story. I wouldn't interview Louis. He's a bit dull. Now Eric Northman, oh yes. Yes, yes, YES!

I’m sorry, I called him and Edward over to mow my lawn… this time I’m doing the spraying on myself as I lock the kids in the house…with Cinderella. She owes me big time for my booboo.

Put Edward near Eric and the sparkly one would be without a head within ten seconds. Talk about a booboo!

Considering I taught Edward the Harlem Shake, he would be deflecting all of Eric’s moves doing his rage convulsions. “Boo”yeah!!

10. I know we’ve had a long journey together but I need to ask, are you “going off the rails on a crazy train?”

I was riding a train?! That explains the noise. Whew. I thought I was just crazy. Thankfully it's the train.

Oh shoot girl…that was just me whining. It just sucks because I have no more lawns to have mowed. *throws hose down, walks in house, smacks Cinderella as her glass shoe comes off* I got it! Run kids! Run!!!


I don't know if I survived this interview yet. There's a rogue mower out there looking for something to cut down, and I see the princess is starting to Hulk out. Yikes! And here I was cheering for you while you smacked her around. Oh! What I learned about myself, yes. I learned that I like seeing a Disney princess roughed up, that I want to go to Vegas, and I need to say COCONUTS! Whew. That felt good. Thank you. * falls over *

Don’t forget what else we learned today, you have a shoe fetish with glass. You could possibly use that in a circus act as you walk all over glass & make another $20. You like to be a stinky mama, and have no shame in Eric seeing you as such since you believe he will devour sparkling things, so why be sparkling clean, right? And doing the Harlem Shake did not remove any of that filth, sparkle, or grass from the mower stuck in your hair. Dang, girl!



Pat Hatt said...

haha awesome and fun interview, by not saying coconuts though you sorta did say it, just saying.

J. A. Bennett said...

I've been to Hersey and I have to agree, it's the happiest place on earth. Hilarious interview, again. You slay me every time!

Andrew Leon said...

These things make me feel like I'm falling down the stairs! :)

Christine Rains said...

Tammy, thank you so much for the crazy fun and for not burying me in your backyard. :)

Pat, yeah, I know. But it was so hard not to say coconuts!

J.A., I've been to Hershey too. Sleeping in a hotel there was the best sleep with delicious dreams.

Lynn Proctor said...

haha this was priceless!!

Gwen Gardner said...

LOL, this was so much fun! And Christine, you really did survive!

Hi Tammy! *waves*

Cherie Reich said...

LOL! What a fun interview!

Sherry Ellis said...

Funny interview! Now I'm craving chocolate!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Hilarious! Laughed out loud and number three. And nothing wrong with riding the Crazy Train.

Christine Rains said...

Andrew, you too?!

Lynn and Cherie, thank you!

Gwen, I did? Whew. That was a close one!

Sherry, I want to eat one of those lamps!

Alex, maybe if mini Alex rides too!

Morgan said...

Hahahaha!!!! I'm so glad I don't have to live through another Tammy interview again... those things are BRUTAL... but Christine, you rocked it.

M Pax said...

Won't the sparkly one kill the grass with all his sparkling? I'm blind at any rate...

And, ooo, princess shoes and chocolate... young men mowing lawns... maybe we could get young Sean in the full monty to do the mowing? That'd be nice.

Jay Noel said...

Hershey, PA is great, but there's a lotta weird looking people in that state.

Elise Fallson said...

LOL! Great job Christine, Tammy and Eric! Yes, I wrote Eric. I couldn't help myself, I just had to add his name somewhere in my comment. Sorry Sparkles, but Eric would so destroy you.

Eric . . .


Heather Holden said...

*hee* This is one of the most fun interviews I've ever read! I love how Meira's shoe fetish made her kidnap Cinderella... XD

Christine Rains said...

Morgan, brutal seems like an understatement!

Mary, I'd let Sean mow my lawn any day.

Jay, you know, now that I think about it, they do!

Elise, I completely understand. Eric must be included in everything!

Heather, now that's a real shoe fetish!

Tammy Theriault said...


klahanie said...

Hey Christine and hello um hello oh yeah, Tammy!

Firstly Tammy, you are very welcome for my comment!

And gosh Christine, you survived being interviewed by the amazing Tammy. Well done and having skimmed through, sorry, having thoroughly read the posting, um just like the others who commented obviously did. *Cough* *Cough*, and yep the crazy train certainly arrived here!

That's it and I eagerly await your reply, Tammy.

Pawsitive wishes,

Penny the Jack Russell and modest internet superstar! :)

Aubrie said...

Loved this interview! Too bad Sean Connery is so old, eh?

Elizabeth Seckman said...

Christine, I hoe that neighbor boy is over 18...just wanting to make sure no one gets jailed in the making of this hilarious interview.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Now THAT was a fun interview :)

Christine Rains said...

klahanie, hi and thank you! :)

Aubrie, thanks! Yes, too bad he's in his senior years now. But he's still charming.

Elizabeth, there's a couple of them over 18. Though I've never seen them mow a lawn in their lives!

OE, thank you!

Romance Reader said...

A really fun interview to read! Enjoyed too much!

Great job, Christine and Tammy!



Tara Tyler said...

randomness rules!
hilarious interview girls!
and sean connery! yeah, baby!

Chase Manhattan said...

Its great to know Christine a bit better. This was s fun post to read.

Anstice Potts said...

Ha ha, hilarious interview!

Anonymous said...

Loved the questions and answers.. that was so much fun:)

Shannon Lawrence said...

Now I want chocolate, and I really want to see Eric beat up Sparkles. Though the hottest vampire around is Damon from an entirely different show. Also, thanks a lot for putting the song "I've got a lovely bunch of cocoa beans" in my head. It'll never be the same.

Fun interview, ladies!

Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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Mark Koopmans said...

Aloha Christine,

and welcome to the Survivor's Club - where no interview will ever be as nuts (did I say Coconuts? :)

celeste holloway said...

Congratulations, Christine! With all the close calls, I wasn't sure if you'd survive. I'm thinking you deserve a purple heart for your bravery. Someday, soon, I'll work up the courage to ask Tammy for interview, lol! And Tammy, are we the only people not doing A to Z? :)

Tammy Theriault said...

Mark: aloha survivor veteran!!

Celeste: I think so... but maybe we can next year! Oh girl...you know you want an interview!! Its funner then you think!

Shell Flower said...

Your interviews crack me up every time. Can Eric Northman mow my lawn next?

Peaches Ledwidge said...

The interview was funny. Hershey!

Carrie Butler said...

I love these interviews! Reading them is like watching the Hunger Games (the event, not the movie), except there's a greater probability for disaster. :D

Trisha F said...

Tammy, you really are a great interviewer! So entertaining. hehe

rhymeswithplague said...

I visited Hershey when I was 14 (I'm 72 now) and the two things I remember most are (1) how the whole place, I mean the ENTIRE town, smelled like chocolate, the chocolate smell was EVERYWHERE, and (2) while shopping in one of the many, er, shops, seeing an Amish or Mennonite lady wearing one of those little lace caps on her head. I had never seen one before, Amish or Mennonite lady I mean, not head.

Donna K. Weaver said...

What a dang fun interview. I love quirky stuff like this. Congrats to Christine!

Unknown said...

HA!Clever interview! I'm late to the party, but it' still fun to read. And I'll never pass up a picture of Sean Connery. :)