MY LIVE, not so really but kinda, CHAT WITH ELIZABETH SECKMAN

It was a dark & stormy night...

 

I spied Elizabeth Seckman alone on a bench with her cellphone glowing on her face. I walked around quickly, so not to be seen, and dashed behind a 6 foot berry bush. Creeping from behind, arms out wide in a hug to scare the innocent damsel & make her wet her pants in fright, my butt beeped. What the? I whipped out my phone & read the text:

 

"Whenever you're done being a dork...I'm ready for your interview. P.S. Your choice of location sucks P.P.S. You parked right in front of the bench. I saw you even walk towards me!...dork."

Ok! So with that said, here we go! YOU'VE READ IT HERE FIRST!!

*this is a creative writing type interview. Enjoy!

 

1. I had a theory, separated at birth?

Yes, at birth, by a decade…we are freaks of nature.

Wow, girl, you must be freaking old; you do know I’m 80 right? This is blogging catfish & that profile pic...I found online from 

a “hot girls” sight.

Jinx!! Same here. I’m really a fat dude named Fred.

That’s freakin’ hot! You had me at hello, oh wait, I mean at “jinx”.

 

2. If you could have a sugar daddy, which would it be?

I suppose Sean Connery isn’t too wrinkly to still be hot, and if he has invested right, he should be able to afford me.

Yum, Sean Connery. He can talk to me any time with his clever smile and tender accent. Me-ow…but what will I do with these then? *holds up sugar daddy candy*

Mail it to me. I might need to bait a trap for Sean. Grr.

 

3. Newsies?

            I’m pregnant. By an alien. For triplets.

What? Holy cow. Christian Bale just got real mad. In fact he sang about it, as a newspaper boy. Google that, girl. Then google his email address to apologize to him.

Okay, I did a google and I found this. Give Chris my email and tell him to apologize to my fashion sense!

Oh, great! I told him to hide it, crap! Now he’s singing again about a poor paperboy life with his cheetah scarf on! Now look what you did!!

Bwa ha ha!!!

 

4. I’ve invited you to the Monster Truck show! Score! Now, what are you going to name your truck?

The Hillbilly Hottie

*vroooom* my truck Sugar Daddy just sweet talked and put its sly smiling grill all up on your Hillbilly Hottie! (we are still talking about trucks, keep in mind)

Tell him to wear protection…I’d hate to have to raise a little S-10 with an attitude!

I just poured a fresh wax coat on, so I heard everything will just “slip” off.

You may have the last word on that…lol.

 

5. I have this bag I found on my doorstep last interview, I scooted it over to the side, but it’s gotta be opened eventually…you’re up, girl!

Dang…it’s the millions from that bank job you talked me into. You peak inside and see if they stuck one of those blue bombs in there. Worst case scenario, you go to work looking like a smurf. You’re a hot Chiquita, you can pull it off!

Sounds like a bad reference to Stephanie Plum…but hey, if she can have Ranger, I’m all for having some millions…*pooooooof* crap, there was blue dye… *throws bag at Elizabeth*pooof*

Oh mah goodness!!! With the extra weight I put on trying to write these freaking books, I look like a freaking smurf. Holy smurfiness, this smurfing stinks.

At least that Oompa-loompa won’t keep trying to attach to your leg…ewww…do you need some wax for that, too?

No, but maybe for my legs…poor little guy’s hands are bleeding from stubble cut!

 

6. I was wondering why my husband was on your tv in the pic of Kari and you?

Hate to be the first to tell you, but he is my stalker and that was the closest he could get to moi. Poor guy. Sad to see a grown man be so desperate.

He told me he was jogging for exercise! No wonder he always came back with twigs in his hair. HONEY!! Ok, secretly, we are just scoping where you put your half of the bank run…

I have a kid in college dear…the gangsters, I mean educators, are bleeding me dry.

*steals money while she’s explaining & stuffs in pockets* Huh? Run, Honey, run!! Sick her!! *throws Oompa-loompa at Elizabeth’s leg* Enjoy the parting gift!

You need to talk to Bob Barker about parting gifts biatch…how’d you spell that again? (Tammy has been teaching me the proper use of dirty words!)

 

7. Adam Sandberg or Adam Sandler?

Sandler all the way baby…especially the older stuff.

I think they were separated at birth, too, I mean look at the similarities! Although we are cuties, they are butt-uggies.

But those digits in their bank accounts make them hot, hot, hot.

Especially when they wear their paper bags we made of Bruce Willis and Mark Wahlberg cutouts!

We are crafty…and calculating!!!

 

8. If you could be a House Wife of West Virginia, what would be your opening intro line about you?

“A rare gem found in the hills of WV…she has a mouth full of teeth, a pair of shoes, and doesn’t own a pick’em up truck. Yee haw baby!”

9. Would you like to collab on a book? Too late! Ok, pitch me an idea.

“The Chronicles of Blarnia”…an investigative look at the sorry lines men use to get in women’s pants.

Agreed, I mean, they really need to learn the lie down on the bed and THEN button it technique. Oh wait, you meant the other thing…

Or your way. Remember boys…don’t breathe till you’re buttoned in.

Oh, and do multiple squats to loosen them…I have a feeling we are marketing great ideas to drag queens…

I hear it’s a growing market…

 

10. We’ve had so much fun, but I just gotta ask…hold on, this is hard, but, um, do you sometimes ''shout, shout let it all out"?

Only from the arms of my big chair when I am fearfully, tearfully frustrated that I will never get to rule the world.  

I really think you should let it all out. These are the things we can live without, come on, I’m talking to you, come on. *Vrooommm* Hop in my Sugar Daddy. We’ll go shoot mailboxes with these here bb guns. Don’t worry, they won’t shoot your eyes out, this is WV, only your teeth!

Yee-haw girlfriend!!!

 RECAP:

Thanks Tammy it’s been real. Maybe one day we can get together and hit the town. I’ll start saving my pennies…exactly how much do you think we’d need to cover bail?

Don’t forget what else you will need…wax to keep the Oompa- Lumpas off you in jail, your paper bag of Bruce Willis for the girl that’s gonna make you her…what was that word I taught you, again? And you might want to ask Christian Bale for that cheetah scarf for your mug shot; it’ll be a nice touch. I’m down with OPP!!! Yeah, you know me!!

 Don’t be a negative Nellie…with that cheetah scarf…we can earn that bail before they get the warrants. J

 

Elizabeth, after 10-15 emails per day for months now, after discovering our true sisterhood & humorous abilities, I'd like to stick you right in your bossomed chest with this here badge:

 "I SURVIVIED MY INTERVIEW WITH TAMMY THERIAULT"

 

*if you would like to have some fun & do an interview, email me! tammybr12@gmail.com

There are still a few more openings left!!