Friday, February 15, 2013

MY LIVE, not so really but kinda, CHAT WITH ELIZABETH SECKMAN

It was a dark & stormy night...
I spied Elizabeth Seckman alone on a bench with her cellphone glowing on her face. I walked around quickly, so not to be seen, and dashed behind a 6 foot berry bush. Creeping from behind, arms out wide in a hug to scare the innocent damsel & make her wet her pants in fright, my butt beeped. What the? I whipped out my phone & read the text:
"Whenever you're done being a dork...I'm ready for your interview. P.S. Your choice of location sucks P.P.S. You parked right in front of the bench. I saw you even walk towards me!...dork."

Ok! So with that said, here we go! YOU'VE READ IT HERE FIRST!!

*this is a creative writing type interview. Enjoy!

1. I had a theory, separated at birth?

Yes, at birth, by a decade…we are freaks of nature.

Wow, girl, you must be freaking old; you do know I’m 80 right? This is blogging catfish & that profile pic...I found online from 
a “hot girls” sight.

Jinx!! Same here. I’m really a fat dude named Fred.

That’s freakin’ hot! You had me at hello, oh wait, I mean at “jinx”.

2. If you could have a sugar daddy, which would it be?

I suppose Sean Connery isn’t too wrinkly to still be hot, and if he has invested right, he should be able to afford me.

Yum, Sean Connery. He can talk to me any time with his clever smile and tender accent. Me-ow…but what will I do with these then? *holds up sugar daddy candy*

Mail it to me. I might need to bait a trap for Sean. Grr.

3. Newsies?

            I’m pregnant. By an alien. For triplets.

What? Holy cow. Christian Bale just got real mad. In fact he sang about it, as a newspaper boy. Google that, girl. Then google his email address to apologize to him.

Okay, I did a google and I found this. Give Chris my email and tell him to apologize to my fashion sense!

Oh, great! I told him to hide it, crap! Now he’s singing again about a poor paperboy life with his cheetah scarf on! Now look what you did!!

Bwa ha ha!!!

4. I’ve invited you to the Monster Truck show! Score! Now, what are you going to name your truck?

The Hillbilly Hottie

*vroooom* my truck Sugar Daddy just sweet talked and put its sly smiling grill all up on your Hillbilly Hottie! (we are still talking about trucks, keep in mind)

Tell him to wear protection…I’d hate to have to raise a little S-10 with an attitude!

I just poured a fresh wax coat on, so I heard everything will just “slip” off.

You may have the last word on that…lol.

5. I have this bag I found on my doorstep last interview, I scooted it over to the side, but it’s gotta be opened eventually…you’re up, girl!

Dang…it’s the millions from that bank job you talked me into. You peak inside and see if they stuck one of those blue bombs in there. Worst case scenario, you go to work looking like a smurf. You’re a hot Chiquita, you can pull it off!

Sounds like a bad reference to Stephanie Plum…but hey, if she can have Ranger, I’m all for having some millions…*pooooooof* crap, there was blue dye… *throws bag at Elizabeth*pooof*

Oh mah goodness!!! With the extra weight I put on trying to write these freaking books, I look like a freaking smurf. Holy smurfiness, this smurfing stinks.

At least that Oompa-loompa won’t keep trying to attach to your leg…ewww…do you need some wax for that, too?

No, but maybe for my legs…poor little guy’s hands are bleeding from stubble cut!

6. I was wondering why my husband was on your tv in the pic of Kari and you?

Hate to be the first to tell you, but he is my stalker and that was the closest he could get to moi. Poor guy. Sad to see a grown man be so desperate.

He told me he was jogging for exercise! No wonder he always came back with twigs in his hair. HONEY!! Ok, secretly, we are just scoping where you put your half of the bank run…

I have a kid in college dear…the gangsters, I mean educators, are bleeding me dry.

*steals money while she’s explaining & stuffs in pockets* Huh? Run, Honey, run!! Sick her!! *throws Oompa-loompa at Elizabeth’s leg* Enjoy the parting gift!

You need to talk to Bob Barker about parting gifts biatch…how’d you spell that again? (Tammy has been teaching me the proper use of dirty words!)

7. Adam Sandberg or Adam Sandler?

Sandler all the way baby…especially the older stuff.

I think they were separated at birth, too, I mean look at the similarities! Although we are cuties, they are butt-uggies.

But those digits in their bank accounts make them hot, hot, hot.

Especially when they wear their paper bags we made of Bruce Willis and Mark Wahlberg cutouts!

We are crafty…and calculating!!!

8. If you could be a House Wife of West Virginia, what would be your opening intro line about you?

“A rare gem found in the hills of WV…she has a mouth full of teeth, a pair of shoes, and doesn’t own a pick’em up truck. Yee haw baby!”

9. Would you like to collab on a book? Too late! Ok, pitch me an idea.

“The Chronicles of Blarnia”…an investigative look at the sorry lines men use to get in women’s pants.

Agreed, I mean, they really need to learn the lie down on the bed and THEN button it technique. Oh wait, you meant the other thing…

Or your way. Remember boys…don’t breathe till you’re buttoned in.

Oh, and do multiple squats to loosen them…I have a feeling we are marketing great ideas to drag queens…

I hear it’s a growing market…

10. We’ve had so much fun, but I just gotta ask…hold on, this is hard, but, um, do you sometimes ''shout, shout let it all out"?

Only from the arms of my big chair when I am fearfully, tearfully frustrated that I will never get to rule the world.  

I really think you should let it all out. These are the things we can live without, come on, I’m talking to you, come on. *Vrooommm* Hop in my Sugar Daddy. We’ll go shoot mailboxes with these here bb guns. Don’t worry, they won’t shoot your eyes out, this is WV, only your teeth!

Yee-haw girlfriend!!!


Thanks Tammy it’s been real. Maybe one day we can get together and hit the town. I’ll start saving my pennies…exactly how much do you think we’d need to cover bail?

Don’t forget what else you will need…wax to keep the Oompa- Lumpas off you in jail, your paper bag of Bruce Willis for the girl that’s gonna make you her…what was that word I taught you, again? And you might want to ask Christian Bale for that cheetah scarf for your mug shot; it’ll be a nice touch. I’m down with OPP!!! Yeah, you know me!!

 Don’t be a negative Nellie…with that cheetah scarf…we can earn that bail before they get the warrants. J
Elizabeth, after 10-15 emails per day for months now, after discovering our true sisterhood & humorous abilities, I'd like to stick you right in your bossomed chest with this here badge:
*if you would like to have some fun & do an interview, email me!
There are still a few more openings left!!



Elise Fallson said...

Love these interviews! LOL! Both you guys are great, but you may want to add the disclaimer: no smurfs were harmed in the making of this inverview, unless . . . :D

Annalisa Crawford said...

Wow - that's not an interview to read when you have a gym-fuzzy head!! Although I feel safe to declare my secret Sean Connery crush now :-)

Yolanda Renee said...

Too funny!

Yeah, I'd love an interview, as soon as I've done something to be interviewed for! :)

Love the WV housewife answer -- doesn't sound like WV...just kidding my entire family is from there and they all wear shoes!

Pat Hatt said...

LOL being freaks of nature isn't a bad thing. And I remember Newsies, Batman sure was spry.

L. Diane Wolfe said...

The Chronicles of Blarnia - LOL! I'd take Sean Connery any day.

Suzi said...

Totally read this line wrong: I’m pregnant. By an alien. For triplets.

Four triplets? What does that mean, like 12 then? Yikes. Guess it is an alien though, who knows how many babies they can produce.

It's too early! :)

Al Diaz said...

Triplets by an alien. hmmm. That might explain a few things, hahaha. This was fun and you are a blast, Elizabeth!

Tara Tyler said...

ha ha ha haha! that was so hilarious!
what fun!
blarnia, triplets, and hillbilly hottie!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Paper bags of Willis and Wahlberg - yes, even I say those would help.

Anonymous said...

Sean Connery-- always a good choice. Or Tom Selleck. Sigh. I'm old.

Andrew Leon said...

Man... it's like... middle schoolers with bags full of blue-dyed sugar.

Johanna Garth said...

I'm with you all the way on Adam Sandler!

Rena said...

The chronicles of Blarnia? Fantastic. Great interview.

J. A. Bennett said...

You guys are so funny! I seriously do not have words...

Elizabeth Seckman said...

Tammy, are all sorts of awesome. I'm sop glad I met you after high school. Saved me years and years of detention. :)

One day we will have to do some karaoke together...and by together, I mean you sing while I record and post to facebook!

A Lady's Life said...

These were great! What a sense of humor ! lol

Catherine said...

Totally remember "Tears for Fears". :)

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Sugar Mammas, I would have Jessica Alba. Saw her on a magazine at the check out line. But first, I would have to get that restraining order lifted.

Tamara said...

Awesome interview--thanks for the laughs! Except for that picture of Christian Bale in a leopard scarf was seriously disturbing. Why is Batman wearing a leopard scarf???? Also, is it me or does it look like he put on too much blush that day? I'm completely traumatized now.

Christine Rains said...

*LOL* Hilarious! I want a Stephanie Plum moment, but one alone with Ranger in his apartment. I'd just stay there forever.

Anonymous said...

Too funny!!! You and Elizabeth play off each other so well.

klahanie said...

Hi Tammy and hi Elizabeth,

Oh yeah, your wait is over. I've arrived with one of my highly collectable comments...

Shall I leave some vague comment that indicates I didn't really actually read this posting? Would I do that? Great post! Thanks for sharing! Really funny!!!

You fine ladies should do a stand up comedy routine. I know I was thrilled reading all of this. In fact, I wet my pants. Hang on, that was on Valentine's Day when I was at the hospital and some dude took this tube and um....

Don't know who Adam Sandberg is. House Wife? Why would you want to be married to a house?

You two should really collaborate on a book. I'm mean, Dr. Seuss and Willie Shakespeare did a book together titled, 'Green Eggs and Hamlet.'

Thank you, good, kind, amazing ladies. Such an interview and I survived reading it.

Whatever happened to "Tears for Fear"?

That's it, sadly, I have to go take my medication and continue my recuperation.

Have a lovely weekend.

A starstruck fan named Gary!

Brian Miller said...

ha. what a riot of an fun too...its ironic that the monster trucks are in town here this weekend so i will look for the truck if it escapes the civic center..

Nancy LaRonda Johnson said...

I think I just entered a time warp and my mind has gotten all confused. Is it the 70s 80s or 2013? way back home!

Tammy Theriault said...

elise: or oompa loompas :)

annalisa: it's just another ab workout!

yolanda: oh, you are so worthy!

pat: newsies was awesome!

l. diane: me, too :D

suzi: too funny girl!

al: it sure was!

tara: sounds like a good combo

Tammy Theriault said...

alex: hahaha...true true

julie: it's that old school classic look

andrew: yeah, i could see that!

johanna: he's a classic clown!

rena: thanks for reading

j.a.: too funny...

elizabeth: you would have held me back in school big time...big time!

Tammy Theriault said...

a lady's life: it was a blast

catherine: classic duo!

stephen: she is a good girl...i say ok

christine: amen sister!!

medeia: agreed!

gary: well the band broke up because one was a cry baby :D

brian: always wanted to go to a show!

nancy: follow the yellow brick road!

Jemi Fraser said...

Sean Connery isn't a bad choice at all! That cheetah scarf now...

Damyanti said...

Hialrious :)... this interview is a laugh-riot!

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Well, dang! I KNOW I already read this post, and I THOUGHT I wrote a comment, too. Huh.

Anyhow, fun post, but isn't Sean Connery like... dead? I don't mean as in he no longer does much acting, but as in he no longer does much breathing? (If so, he'd make a pretty lousy sugar daddy. Too cold and unreachable, even for Hollywood.)

Good job, ladies!

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Ooops! I'm (gasp) WRONG! (Nothing new about that...)

Turns out Sean Connery is alive. (Evidently, reports of his death were very much exaggerated, as Twain said.) Sorry' bout that. He'd be a loverly sugar daddy. Especially with that accent of his.

Angelina C. Hansen said...

I'm in need of shouting and letting it all out, but I might disturb the downstairs neighbors. Thanks for following my blog. I return the compliment. ^_^

Misha Gericke said...

Hahahaha this one had me laughing out loud. :-D

Tammy Theriault said...

Jemi: too funny...

Damyanti: thanks for stopping by!

Susan: you are hilarious! Poor sean just got a scare

Angelina: it'd be like the movie w drew berrymore...the duplex?

Misha: glad I could work out those abs!

DEZMOND said...

we do love us some Scottish accent... or Irish one... or Australian one... or posh British one... or Russian... oh, we just love accents....

Carol Kilgore said...

This was hilarious! Just excellent.

Tammy Theriault said...

Dezmond: yeah really...any is hot

Carol: hey girl! Thanks for swinging by

Morgan said...

Hahaha! Love these interviews, Tammy! They're the best! And Liz rocks. I'm so glad she dared to take the plunge! :D

Lexa Cain said...

You guys are hilarious! I especially loved this line: "Holy smurfiness, this smurfing stinks." ROFL! :-)

Anonymous said...

Tammy, you are very creative. Fun interview. :)

Shannon Lawrence said...

I shout, shout, let it all out waaaay too much. Also, the Christian Bale photo has me speechless.

Shannon at The Warrior Muse

Elliot Grace said...

...hilarious! Well done ;)


Leigh Covington said...

You ladies are freaking hilarious!!! I love you both. This may go down as the best interview EVER! And I love the intro Tammy. Hehehe.

Tammy Theriault said...

Morgan: remember, you're the pioneer for these!

Lexa: it was a classy line!

Linda: thanks for reading!

Shannon: craziness

Elliot: thanks

Leigh: she rocked!

Jessica Salyer said...

OMG, this is too funny. How have I totally missed your interviews till now? Love it!

Eileen said...

DUDE omg this is an amazing interview! I started laughing at that first picture and then kept laughing until, like, the very last comment!

Tammy Theriault said...

Jessica: I don't know either! Haha... ;)

Eileen: glad to work out your abs!

Suze said...

Adam Sandberg tries too hard. I'd go with Sandler, too. I loved him best in 'The Wedding Singer.'

Jay Noel said...

I laughed the whole time I read that interview. I'm not so sure I could survive your interview, Tammy!

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Pregnant with alien triplets...the tabloids are gonna have a field day :)

Lydia Kang said...

That was so funny, and at times, disturbing. But in a good way.

Tammy Theriault said...

Suze: I agree...

Jay: I'm sure you could! ;)

Optimistic: hey any publicity is good right?

Lydia: yes...disturbing is a good word for it

michelle said...

Hey Tammy!
Just a reminder that you've signed up for our Blogoversary Giveaway Bash from 18 to 20 February.
The comic strips are now up and you have till Wednesday to caption and post.

Michael Offutt, Speculative Fiction Author said...

I think Adam Sandberg is funnier.

As for the Sugar Daddy question, I was LOL'ing.

Seriously though, I'm thinking James Cameron would make a great sugar daddy. The dude raised the bar in Southpark!

S.P. Bowers said...

That's a horrible picture of Christian Bale. Someone should be punished for inflicting that upon the world.

nutschell said...

haha! Love this interview! you both are hilarious.

Tammy Theriault said...

Michelle: ill be all over that tonight!

Michael: maybe he would work...

S.p.: elizabeth was wrong putting that there!

M Pax said...

Wow, I'm surprised Christian Bale isn't trying to erase all evidence of that from the internet.

Charming interview. :D I love dork.

celeste holloway said...

Gah, you two are great for gloomy Mondays! If it turns out there's no ink bomb in the bag, you guys better swing by my house on your way out to take over the world, cause I gotta get in on the action! :P

Jenny S. Morris said...

This is hilarious!!

Tammy Theriault said...

Nutshell: thanks for stopping by!

Mpax: I'm disappointed christian let it go so far...

Celeste: ill definitely hit you up

Jenny: thanks :)

Elizabeth Seckman said...

Elise- If duct taping their mouths shut is causing harm...then we are guilty

Annalisa- No it's not safe...he's mine!!

Yolanda- I've lived in WV for 43 years and I have shoes too...even a pair for the shower.

Pat- I don't remember Newsies...and if has anything to do with that scarf...I think I'll pass.

Suze- Ahhh!! No litters...for; not four.

Al- thanks man (dragon)...right back at ya!

Alex- We are start a line of them...we'll send you an email when they are available for sale.

Andrew- You win best comment for astuteness.

Johanna- he's a riot

Tamara- I'm thinking class action law suit?

Christine- for the right price, I could hook you up.

Medeia- I had to carry her...just don't tell her I said that. ;)

Klahanie- you are as enjoyable as you are thorough. Thank you.

Rena- I plan to star writing it on St. Paddy's Day.

J.A.- I could lend you some.

Lady- Thanks much.

Catherine- Excellent songs.

Stephen- Jessica Alba- good choice. You have excellent taste.

Brian- if it does, just throw a net over them and wait for help to arrive.

Nancy- Bring Christian back with you!

Jemi- He traded his man card for that scarf.

Damyanti- hope you brought a helmet and shield.

Susan- Stop killing off my an before he has a chance to add me to his will!

Angelina- tell them to dance too

Misha- That makes me so big

Dezmond- yep, I love those too

Carol- Thanks. It was all me. ;)

Morgan- I never had no stinking fear!

Lexa- smurfing high five

Linda- She lost certainly is!

Shannon- I hear ya!

Elliot- Thanks!

Leigh-Love you too Miss Leigh!

Jessica- Aren't her interviews the best?

Eileen- neither of us are dudes, but hey, we've been called worse.

Suse- Excellent movie.

Jay- sure you could...I could see you a special hat

O.E.- I'm going to sell the story- whoopie! I'm gonna be rich!

Lydia- I'm consulting a shrink as I type.

Michael- You're being swayed by his youth- Sandler rules.

S.P.- you can join our lawsuit

Nutschell- yes we are- thank you for noting.

Mary- Dork is my specialty.

Celeste- I'll pick you up, I think you're on my way to the border.

Jenny- yes it is.

Miranda Hardy said...

I'm so glad I read this today. Made my morning.

Elizabeth Seckman said...

Miranda- glad to hear that!

Cherie Reich said...

LOL! These interviews are hilarious! And now I wonder if Sugar Daddies will catch Sean Connery. Hmm...

Tammy Theriault said...

elizabeth: you only carried me when i was intoxicated by sugar daddy's...that sounds sooo wrong!

miranda:glad to wake you up properly!

cherie: oh, they will!

Pk Hrezo said...

Srsly, wth is up with Christian Bale's scarf??? lol

And Sean Connery will be forever hot.

So funny ladies! Loved it. I'm gonna snatch up an interview for myself. ;)