MY LIVE, not so really but kinda, CHAT WITH RYAN DALTON!!

It was SHORTLY after having my first interview that I received a lovely orange and banana fruit basket in the mail. It was adorned with a little card that read:

"LET'S INTERVIEW BATTLE!

Sincerely & with great admiration for ALL you touch,

Ryan Dalton" (in what looked like blood.)

 

After lapping up the raspberry jam (it was a scary self-dare that ended well) I emailed Mr. Ryan Dalton back claiming, "OH, IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG BUTCH!! AND THANKS FOR JAM...JAMBRONI!!", in red ink hoping he thought it was internet blood. I still learned things about him, I wish I hadn't...

YOU'VE READ IT HERE FIRST!!

*this type of interview is for creative writing, quick thinking, & because I like comedy. No animals were harmed in the process.


1. Alright, I’m giving you a bag of M&M’s. What’s the color you go for first & can I eat the rest?

I judge M&M’s, not by the color of their candy coating, but by the content of their character. I engage my M&M’s in conversation first and then eat all the nice ones. You can have whatever’s left over, but they’re all jerks.

*Beep*Beep* Sorry, my phone…oh, Miss Green M&M just texted. She wrote, “That’s hot.” She’s so prude. She’s does anything not to be eaten.

Yeah, that sounds like something Green would do. Usually, I leave her in the car during summer and wait for her to melt.

That gives new meaning to the phrase, “I’m meeellltttinnnnggggg…” *Beep*Beep* Miss Green M&M said she knows I wasn’t technically calling her a witch but a…I guess she found out I always eat the green ones first.

 

2.  I noticed in your page title that you couldn't be Batman. Why not?

Maybe that’s just my cover. Maybe Bruce Wayne’s actually the writer and he secretly finances my caped crusading. Maybe I like to buy oranges and fling them at strangers as they pass by my building. What was the question?

*zipppppp…* Does this cat suit make my butt look…nevermind, hand me that angry orange. I see a bald Hula man walking by…

You target all the bald hula men. I’ll aim for anyone sporting a mullet.

Sorry Mark Koopsman…you’re up!

 

3. Hotter or Colder?

The two states I exist in are “Awesome” or “Awesome + Infinity = Me”. The only reasons NOT to be awesome: 1) rabid wolverine attack in the shower  2) nuclear warheads crashing into my living room (don’t ask), or  3) Pink releasing another album.

*unleashes rabid wolverine, presses big red button, & texts Pink about new album while Ryan showers* *puts together fingers like the Simpson's Mr Burns* Exce-llent. So, what state of existence are you in now?

Now you’ve forced me to….RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

AWWWW…these hound puppies are adorable, Ryan! Can I keep one? Uh? Uh? Can I? Can I? I’ve always wanted a pound puppy.

4. If I were to give you 1 dish before you were electrocuted, what would it be? Is that too intense? I think not.      

I would ask for lots of rubber. Rubber tires, rubber gloves, rubber sheets. I can’t get enough rubber, whether I’m about to be electrocuted or not. Yep, the subsequent electrocution has absolutely nothing to do with my request for delicious, delectable, mouth-watering, rubber.

One rubber duckie coming right up! I’m the warden in this town, Haus!

5. I am going to put one picture in your face of something that makes you stop everything & stare, what is it?

Who IS that handsome devil? Just look at that face, that smile, that…wait a minute, where have I seen this dashing rogue before? I want to be this guy’s friend. (Hey, Tammy, thanks for giving me this mirror. When are you going to show me a picture?)

6. Wanna play thumb war? Too late! 1-2-3-4 I declare thumb war!

I lost both thumbs in an unfortunately wolverine attack. Stupid wolverines. You make one joke about their breath and suddenly the friendship’s over. Anyway, I don’t have any thumbs, but I do have this gun. Can I use that? It’s okay, you can still use your thumbs.

Yeah, stupid wolverines… *holds up mirror, puts thumb down on gun* 1-2-3-4 I WIN!!!

Except the gun was really a banana. Which I’m currently eating. Who’s winning NOW??

*takes orange out of bra & throws at Ryan’s forehead dead center knocking him down* DEFINE “NOW”, BUTCH!!

 

7. I use to carry around a box for people to open in my interviews, but it had a weird note...let's not discuss that. Anyways, I have this bag on my doorstep. Would you mind doing the honors of opening it?

For legal reasons I can’t discuss, I am no longer allowed within five hundred feet of any container apparatus. If you find this inconvenient, just imagine grocery shopping with me, trying to stuff carrots and soup cans into your pockets before anyone asks if you want paper or plastic.

*hands over dvd of Jane’s Addiction “Been Caught Stealing” video* Here this will give you some suggestions. *stuffs oranges in bra* No, these ones you can’t throw at people.

But oranges are my favorite weapon! What am I supposed to spread justice with now – raspberries?? Don’t get me started on them.

 

8. If you could interview any celebrity, who would it be & what question are you dying to ask?

I would interview Kanye West and ask him how he enjoys being punched in the face. Then, as he’s about to answer, I would punch him in the face. Interview over.

*Beep*Beep* Taylor Swift just texted. Odd, I thought I blocked her. She asked if you could video tape it and send it to her for blackmail.

I do this, not for vengeance or accolades, but merely the joy of punching Kanye West in the face. However, I might be willing to share the video with Taylor in exchange for Mandy Moore’s phone number. These pop stars all know each other, right? *crosses fingers*

*throws other orange in bra at Ryan’s eye* I was just trying to straighten out that poor eye sight. I mean really? Mandy Moore? I think I just threw up a little… she’s too innocent for you. Taylor on the other hand…sorry, that was phlegm.

9. Ryan? RYAN!

Please do not disturb me while I’m plotting the downfall of the Enchanted Forest People. Oh, they’ve had it coming! It took me years of plotting and conniving to discover their one weakness, and now I shall rain glittery destruction upon them in a dastardly fashion.

*holds up mirror, again.* I’m just gonna take that gun of yours…

Ha-HA, I see you’ve fallen for my banana gun decoy again!

Hmmm…I thought you ate it. Wow, you must be “full of….bananas. b-a-n-a-n-a-s”

10. I like to save the intense questions for last, so I really need you on this one. Ok, I’m just going to ask it…here it goes… is your phone number “867-5309”?

I communicate solely by pinning messages to a cat’s collar and then flinging it across town with my homemade catapult. It’s faster than the US Mail and I hit the right house about 40% of the time, so I’d call that a successful way to keep in touch with friends.

Maybe I should take off the cat suit about now…and also handle the mass PETA calls I’m getting…*on phone* Yes, yes I still have the rabid wolverines in the back…um, Ryan, I’ll be right back…bad connection…

Okay, that’s it. Get in the catapult!

Score! I’m going to take my new pound puppies with me and yell, “It’s rainy and cats & dogs! Everyone run & scream in a mass frenzy”. This. Is. Going. To. Be. EPIC!!! *holds onto Ryan’s shirt, cuts chord to catapult* Oh, you don’t get off the hook that easily!

 THE RECAP:

Against my will, it seems I’ve learned some valuable things about myself today. In addition to the usual shenanigans with fruit-based weaponry and surprise face-punching, I also enjoy flinging felines at friends to stay in touch. I may or may not be Batman (you’ll never know), but I’m definitely a crusader against jerk candy and mullet enthusiasts. I learned that Tammy doesn’t own mirrors, but she does own multiple pictures of some handsome devil that we’d all be lucky to have as a friend. Last of all, I’ve learned that unicorns taste like bacon. Tasty, tasty magic bacon.

Don’t forget what else we learned today, you seem to enjoy fruit, in large quantities…it worries me a bit *squeezes oranges now in Ryan’s bra*. You still haven’t realized I actually showed you a picture of Batman, now you’re secret is out, fool! You seem to melt sassy girls, but Mandy Moore needs protection, so I’ve armed her with the big red button.  And you had to admit, flying in a catapult was pretty darn fun, especially when we landed on that nice fluffy mullet, breaking our fall, as we then soared over the rainbow on your bacon layered unicorn…ok, you said that was “sugar” on the fruit…

You have earned your

“I’VE SURVIVED MY INTERVIEW WITH TAMMY THERIAULT” BADGE!!!

Wear it proud!!

*Would you like to be interviewed & have some fun? Let me know! Email me at tammybr12@gmail.com