Monday, January 14, 2013

MY LIVE, not so really but kinda, CHAT WITH RYAN DALTON!!

It was SHORTLY after having my first interview that I received a lovely orange and banana fruit basket in the mail. It was adorned with a little card that read:

"LET'S INTERVIEW BATTLE!
Sincerely & with great admiration for ALL you touch,
Ryan Dalton" (in what looked like blood.)
 
After lapping up the raspberry jam (it was a scary self-dare that ended well) I emailed Mr. Ryan Dalton back claiming, "OH, IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG BUTCH!! AND THANKS FOR JAM...JAMBRONI!!", in red ink hoping he thought it was internet blood. I still learned things about him, I wish I hadn't...

YOU'VE READ IT HERE FIRST!!

*this type of interview is for creative writing, quick thinking, & because I like comedy. No animals were harmed in the process.


1. Alright, I’m giving you a bag of M&M’s. What’s the color you go for first & can I eat the rest?

I judge M&M’s, not by the color of their candy coating, but by the content of their character. I engage my M&M’s in conversation first and then eat all the nice ones. You can have whatever’s left over, but they’re all jerks.

*Beep*Beep* Sorry, my phone…oh, Miss Green M&M just texted. She wrote, “That’s hot.” She’s so prude. She’s does anything not to be eaten.

Yeah, that sounds like something Green would do. Usually, I leave her in the car during summer and wait for her to melt.

That gives new meaning to the phrase, “I’m meeellltttinnnnggggg…” *Beep*Beep* Miss Green M&M said she knows I wasn’t technically calling her a witch but a…I guess she found out I always eat the green ones first.

 
2.  I noticed in your page title that you couldn't be Batman. Why not?

Maybe that’s just my cover. Maybe Bruce Wayne’s actually the writer and he secretly finances my caped crusading. Maybe I like to buy oranges and fling them at strangers as they pass by my building. What was the question?

*zipppppp…* Does this cat suit make my butt look…nevermind, hand me that angry orange. I see a bald Hula man walking by…

You target all the bald hula men. I’ll aim for anyone sporting a mullet.

Sorry Mark Koopsman…you’re up!

 
3. Hotter or Colder?

The two states I exist in are “Awesome” or “Awesome + Infinity = Me”. The only reasons NOT to be awesome: 1) rabid wolverine attack in the shower  2) nuclear warheads crashing into my living room (don’t ask), or  3) Pink releasing another album.

*unleashes rabid wolverine, presses big red button, & texts Pink about new album while Ryan showers* *puts together fingers like the Simpson's Mr Burns* Exce-llent. So, what state of existence are you in now?

Now you’ve forced me to….RELEASE THE HOUNDS!

AWWWW…these hound puppies are adorable, Ryan! Can I keep one? Uh? Uh? Can I? Can I? I’ve always wanted a pound puppy.


4. If I were to give you 1 dish before you were electrocuted, what would it be? Is that too intense? I think not.      

I would ask for lots of rubber. Rubber tires, rubber gloves, rubber sheets. I can’t get enough rubber, whether I’m about to be electrocuted or not. Yep, the subsequent electrocution has absolutely nothing to do with my request for delicious, delectable, mouth-watering, rubber.

One rubber duckie coming right up! I’m the warden in this town, Haus!


5. I am going to put one picture in your face of something that makes you stop everything & stare, what is it?

Who IS that handsome devil? Just look at that face, that smile, that…wait a minute, where have I seen this dashing rogue before? I want to be this guy’s friend. (Hey, Tammy, thanks for giving me this mirror. When are you going to show me a picture?)


6. Wanna play thumb war? Too late! 1-2-3-4 I declare thumb war!

I lost both thumbs in an unfortunately wolverine attack. Stupid wolverines. You make one joke about their breath and suddenly the friendship’s over. Anyway, I don’t have any thumbs, but I do have this gun. Can I use that? It’s okay, you can still use your thumbs.

Yeah, stupid wolverines… *holds up mirror, puts thumb down on gun* 1-2-3-4 I WIN!!!

Except the gun was really a banana. Which I’m currently eating. Who’s winning NOW??

*takes orange out of bra & throws at Ryan’s forehead dead center knocking him down* DEFINE “NOW”, BUTCH!!

 
7. I use to carry around a box for people to open in my interviews, but it had a weird note...let's not discuss that. Anyways, I have this bag on my doorstep. Would you mind doing the honors of opening it?

For legal reasons I can’t discuss, I am no longer allowed within five hundred feet of any container apparatus. If you find this inconvenient, just imagine grocery shopping with me, trying to stuff carrots and soup cans into your pockets before anyone asks if you want paper or plastic.

*hands over dvd of Jane’s Addiction “Been Caught Stealing” video* Here this will give you some suggestions. *stuffs oranges in bra* No, these ones you can’t throw at people.

But oranges are my favorite weapon! What am I supposed to spread justice with now – raspberries?? Don’t get me started on them.

 
8. If you could interview any celebrity, who would it be & what question are you dying to ask?

I would interview Kanye West and ask him how he enjoys being punched in the face. Then, as he’s about to answer, I would punch him in the face. Interview over.

*Beep*Beep* Taylor Swift just texted. Odd, I thought I blocked her. She asked if you could video tape it and send it to her for blackmail.

I do this, not for vengeance or accolades, but merely the joy of punching Kanye West in the face. However, I might be willing to share the video with Taylor in exchange for Mandy Moore’s phone number. These pop stars all know each other, right? *crosses fingers*

*throws other orange in bra at Ryan’s eye* I was just trying to straighten out that poor eye sight. I mean really? Mandy Moore? I think I just threw up a little… she’s too innocent for you. Taylor on the other hand…sorry, that was phlegm.


9. Ryan? RYAN!

Please do not disturb me while I’m plotting the downfall of the Enchanted Forest People. Oh, they’ve had it coming! It took me years of plotting and conniving to discover their one weakness, and now I shall rain glittery destruction upon them in a dastardly fashion.

*holds up mirror, again.* I’m just gonna take that gun of yours…

Ha-HA, I see you’ve fallen for my banana gun decoy again!

Hmmm…I thought you ate it. Wow, you must be “full of….bananas. b-a-n-a-n-a-s”

10. I like to save the intense questions for last, so I really need you on this one. Ok, I’m just going to ask it…here it goes… is your phone number “867-5309”?

I communicate solely by pinning messages to a cat’s collar and then flinging it across town with my homemade catapult. It’s faster than the US Mail and I hit the right house about 40% of the time, so I’d call that a successful way to keep in touch with friends.

Maybe I should take off the cat suit about now…and also handle the mass PETA calls I’m getting…*on phone* Yes, yes I still have the rabid wolverines in the back…um, Ryan, I’ll be right back…bad connection…

Okay, that’s it. Get in the catapult!

Score! I’m going to take my new pound puppies with me and yell, “It’s rainy and cats & dogs! Everyone run & scream in a mass frenzy”. This. Is. Going. To. Be. EPIC!!! *holds onto Ryan’s shirt, cuts chord to catapult* Oh, you don’t get off the hook that easily!

 THE RECAP:

Against my will, it seems I’ve learned some valuable things about myself today. In addition to the usual shenanigans with fruit-based weaponry and surprise face-punching, I also enjoy flinging felines at friends to stay in touch. I may or may not be Batman (you’ll never know), but I’m definitely a crusader against jerk candy and mullet enthusiasts. I learned that Tammy doesn’t own mirrors, but she does own multiple pictures of some handsome devil that we’d all be lucky to have as a friend. Last of all, I’ve learned that unicorns taste like bacon. Tasty, tasty magic bacon.

Don’t forget what else we learned today, you seem to enjoy fruit, in large quantities…it worries me a bit *squeezes oranges now in Ryan’s bra*. You still haven’t realized I actually showed you a picture of Batman, now you’re secret is out, fool! You seem to melt sassy girls, but Mandy Moore needs protection, so I’ve armed her with the big red button.  And you had to admit, flying in a catapult was pretty darn fun, especially when we landed on that nice fluffy mullet, breaking our fall, as we then soared over the rainbow on your bacon layered unicorn…ok, you said that was “sugar” on the fruit…

You have earned your
“I’VE SURVIVED MY INTERVIEW WITH TAMMY THERIAULT” BADGE!!!
Wear it proud!!

*Would you like to be interviewed & have some fun? Let me know! Email me at tammybr12@gmail.com

61 comments:

Anne said...

Very twisted, but in nice spanky sort of way...

Martin Willoughby said...

Why can't ALL interviews be like this?

L. Diane Wolfe said...

Now I have that song in my head...

Elizabeth Seckman said...

Entertaining from beginning to end! Ryan survived you...let's send him to Congress!

Tammy Theriault said...

Anne: I enjoy a good twist...

Martin: I agree

l. Diane: I'll not apologize for song sticking :-P

Elizabeth: id totally vote for him!

Emily R. King said...

LOL! I don't know which is more funny: Tammy's questions, or Ryan's answers.

Darci Cole said...

Wait... that cat was from RYAN? I gave it away!

*facepalm*

Ryan Dalton said...

It's okay, Darci. I'll catapult you another one this afternoon.

Tammy Theriault said...

Darci: it does have its draw backs

Ryan: I myself use spit wads....they stick better

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I hope you get that interview!! I'd watch it for sure.
Rubber and M&M's - not going there.

SC Author said...

Hilarious! These interviews are awesome :)

Morgan said...

Hahahaha!!!!! Ryan is one of my FAVORITE people!!! He's so awesome.

"Please do not disturb me while I’m plotting the downfall of the Enchanted Forest People." <---I'm laughing so hard. This is so Ryan!

:D

Elise Fallson said...

Hahah! Hilarious! You guys are awesome. Now I'm hungry for some fruit and bacon...

Tammy Theriault said...

alex: i wouldn't touch that with a yard stick either!

sc: glad to entertain

morg's: the more i got to know him, the phrase was more suiting :D

elise: that sounds totally gross together...hahaha

Lisa Gail Green said...

Very entertaining! I love silly humor. I know that was totally serious, but I'm just saying...

Pk Hrezo said...

LOL. Love it. I think ... WOP! Cool I just got a cat message! Tabby with yellow eyes .... *fights off scratches* *struggles with feline fangs*

Yes!

Suze said...

Call me Cautious Candy but I'd recommend against buying oranges and flinging them at people.

Cherie Reich said...

Hilarious interview! And I love the picture with Batman and the unicorn. :)

The Golden Eagle said...

That was the craziest interview I've ever read--in a good way! :)

Tammy Theriault said...

Lisa: totally serious...lol

Pk: a new form of cat calling :-)

Suze: too funny

Cherie: its so classy isnt it?

Golden: I do well with crazy talk...

Rose Munevar said...

In a way, it all made sense. Although maybe that's just the anesthesia and pain pills talking :) from still being in my first week post-op.

Christine Rains said...

That was hilarious! I've wanted to do that to the annoying orange for a long time. Not necessarily with Ryan's face, but the thing needs to be chucked!

Tammy Theriault said...

Rose: could be the drugs...haha...get better girl!

Christine: angry orange is so odd

Samantha May said...

OH MY GOSH POUND PUPPIES EEEEEEE!

Sorry. I love them more than I love most people.

Great interview! I'll have the 867-5309 song stuck in my head forever.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

This was much better than the usual interviews. The pictures were a nice touch too. :D

Tammy Theriault said...

Samantha: sing it out loud girl!

Stina: glad you liked it!

klahanie said...

Ah Tammy and um, oh yeah, Ryan,

Gosh and golly gee whiz, I have arrived to leave yet another one of my highly cherished, yes adored, comments. Yes, then I woke up.

And no, I'm not one of those drive-by bloggers who visits the once and states, "Great post!" Thanks for sharing!" "Me follow your blog!" No way would I do that. Where am I?

I thought M&M's was the latest album by Marshall Mathers. Will the real M&M, please stand up...

Let me ask you two this. Any truth to the rumour that Batman was born in "Cape Town"? Yes? No? You don't care?

Dude, you are obviously Infinitely Awesome. Which means I'm in awe of you from here to infinity.

And to really add dramatic impact, go completely rubber, my friend. Yep, just enough room for the snorkel.

Ryan, are you like me and stare at yourself in every available mirror? Do you pretend your the Fonz? Eh!!

You are both invited to my advanced thumb twiddling workshop.

Okay, skip down a bit, Gary. Skipping ended. Apparently the phone number in that song was an actual phone number to a high school.

This incredibly short, extremely disjointed comment will soon end. What a surreal interview and such an insight into such an awesome dude. Hilarious, zany and Monty Python aint got nothing on you.

With that, I shall have a look at your blog list and see who I recognise. Hey wait a second! Oh well, time to go and sob uncontrollably in a darkened room...

All the beast, sorry, all the best, your way,

Gary, your humble fan....

Heather Murphy said...

Cute! Thanks for following me today

Tammy Theriault said...

Klahanie: ur comment was a bit short. I'm depressed now but I hear these purple pills from the matrix guy will help. Now they are kicking in...hahahaha...oh my you are a funny little orphan, I mean leprechaun, leprechaun!

Heather: your welcome.

klahanie said...

Okay then, have some Lucky Charms! They're magically delicious!

Top of the morning to you! I'm outta' here......

Carrie Butler said...

You know it's going to be a great interview when there's a disclaimer. *Grins* Perfect!

Tammy Theriault said...

klahanie: wait! do you have milk, too?

carrie: hahaha...good point!

Suzi said...

Wow. Too many things to comment on. Great interview.

I loved 867-5309. So you can guess where my childhood lays. But I've got one friend, surprisingly her name is Jenny, who hates it. :) (And hey, this now gives me an idea for the reintroduce me blogfest. I'll have to think this over. Thanks. :) )

Tammy Theriault said...

Suzi: glad I could be of help!

Emilyann Girdner said...

Oh how great! I will never think of M&Ms the same... or rubber... or thumb wars =)

Neurotic Workaholic said...

Sorry to disappoint Ryan, but Mandy Moore is married to musician Ryan Adams (they have the same name, though!). I like Taylor Swift, though! You'd think I'd have grown out of my pop music phase since I was a teenager, but I never did. I just downloaded Taylor's new song (and most of her songs before that).

Tammy Theriault said...

Emilyann: just imagine its all chocolate

Neurotic: I'm sure the name being the same DOES help...lol

Cynthia said...

It's been a long time since I've played thumb fight...we should have thumb fight tournaments.

Thanks for the interview!

Tammy Theriault said...

Cynthia....we shall battle you and I :-P

Peaches Ledwidge said...

Creative, Tammy. Questions and answers are funny.

Trisha said...

Nutters. Complete nutters. hehehe. just kiddin'! This was such fun!

Michelle said...

Oh so much fun! Complete craziness!

Shannon Lawrence said...

I was highly amused by [everything] asking Kanye how he likes being punched in the face then punching him in the face before he can answer. I wonder if my daughter would eat a unicorn if it was tasty?

Shannon at The Warrior Muse

Jack said...

I had a pound puppy once, I had forgotten about them.
Sadly, I DON'T have any oranges or I'd now be sitting atop buildings flinging them at people.
I need to go shopping.

Nice to meet you, Ryan! I will keep an eye out for flying cats.

Tammy Theriault said...

Peaches: thanks so much!

Trisha: glad to work out your laughing abs

Michelle: I dig crazy :-)

Shannon: I think she would!

Jack: I miss pound puppies

Misha Gericke said...

Hahaha this looks like so much fun! :-D

Tammy Theriault said...

misha: Glad to see you stopped by!

Ryan Dalton said...

I'll be offering fruit-flinging lessons very soon, so stay tuned! :p

klahanie said...

Gosh Ryan,

You should have your own fruit-flinging workshop. I'd join that. Maybe you could participate in the Comedy Knitting workshop. Had me in stitches....

Ryan Dalton said...

Haha thanks!

klahanie said...

Haha and you are very welcome.

And hey Tammy, note have we have taken over your comment section....

Gosh and gee golly whiz.....

Tammy Theriault said...

Ryan and klahanie: I love it carry on just no oranges flinging!!!!!!!!

Melissa Bradley said...

I want my own banana gun and cat catapult. My neighbors would think twice about stealing my garbage cans, then.

Seriously twisted and hilarious. ;)

Tammy Theriault said...

Melissa: that would do the trick!

Old Kitty said...

Was that really a banana gun or were you just pleased to see Tammy?

Ahem. :-) Happy Sunday!!!

Take care
x

Mark Koopmans said...

Hey,

Late to the party again, but wanted to say I'm glad I didn't miss the fun!

Too funny - especially the guest appearance by the Beacon of Baldness :)

Tammy Theriault said...

Old kitty: I'm blushing....

Mark: sing the song ” you are always on my mind” hahaha

David P. King said...

That's the first time I've seen Thumb War in an interview before, and that was the most epic thumb battle ever! Good one, Ryan, Tammy. :)

Tammy Theriault said...

Thanks david

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