MY LIVE, not so really but kinda, CHAT WITH MARK KOOPMANS

 I had a GOLDEN opportunity to sit down with Mr. Koopmans and explore his inner mind. He has QUITE the...inner voice. But his inner mind was a bit rusty. I pulled out some extra stops for him and he sure didn't disappoint. I mean, I discovered things about him I NEVER EXPECTED!!
 
YOU READ IT HERE FIRST!!

*this type of interview if for a creative writing fun and because I like comedy.

1. Usually I start with a WWE question to see how people view themselves, but I’m totally confused. What’s with the gym bag?

Dude, I am so glad you skipped the WWE question as the last time I watched a wrestling match, Andre the Giant was headlining versus Hulk Hogan. (Hogan’s my hero.) Anyway, inside the gym bag are two baseball gloves, two hats, two baseballs (with my last name spelt correctly) and two Frisbees. (I’m Coach to No. 1 Son’s T-ball team, you see.)

*unzips bag, looks baffled & pulls out objects* Mark? What the heck? Why is there a dress, wig & high heels in here? You lied – oh my gosh…is that red ruby 501 remnant on your lips? I’m guessing this is really the “other voice” in your posts!!

Actually, I’m just holding this for a friend… A. Lex said he had some photo shoot going on and someone wanted a picture of him.

You’re right. That DOES explain things…not. *says while smearing red ruby 501 on lips* This shade is very unisex.

 

2. Hawaii is several islands, but I found 1 further out and I’m leaving you stranded on it. The nice side of me is going to fly over & drop off 2 things. Name them.

The complete works of Stephen King and a “waiter’s key.” Are you familiar?

*flying helicopter over your island* Sorry I couldn’t hear you well over this helicopter noise! Did you say beehive with queen and infectious disease? Ok! I got it! Dropping it…NOW!

(DOINK!) Oww… bloody heck, woman… what are you trying to do… kill me with IT? (If you don’t immediately bark with laughter like Cujo, just be Faithful, look under the dome on 11.22.63 and think about IT for a moment :)

*Beep, beep* Whoops, sorry, thought I turned off my cell. Interesting…just got text from Mr. King. He said to “shut it…shut it up.” *Beep, beep* Oh, he also texted “don’t do parody’s of his book titles or he’ll feed you to Christine.” He has such style and a way with words, doesn’t he?

3. Ferrari or Lamborghini?

Which one makes a minivan?

*drives by Mark’s house with Lamborghini front end, minivan middle & Ferrari tail end* This one, Mark! It’s my Lambfervan. Jealous? *guns it throwing 6 pack of soda near his feet as they explode on impact* Weak!!

Dude, that was funny and after lapping up all those warm sodas, y’all can go ahead and call me Sugah while I figure out why the ignition key for the Lambfervan is next to the right rear wheel.

You do that while I figure out why you’re chasing me down the street asking me for my autograph. Just saying. It’s embarrassing, Sugah.

 

4. I love fairs & carnivals. What are we seeing at the carnival first?

The most rollery-coastery roller coaster they gots I love the terror of flying down something that is built, taken down and rebuilt by bored workers ten times a month.

Oh…can I puke AFTER we see the carni- show? I heard your act is amazing!!

I am actually speechless. No, I am. Honest. The “Bald White Guy Hawaiian Hula” was not supposed to be seen by the naked eye… (Early exit polls have consumers saying it hurt their eyeballs just thinking about me dancing like an early Stevie Nicks in a grass skirt.)

Don’t worry, my eyes weren’t naked. I had to put on deep dark shades to shield my eyes from your pale skin. You’re a hula grass dancing freak! I even bought the bobble “Bald White Guy Hawaiian Hula” for my Lambfervan. And no, you still can’t have my autograph. Geez.

 

5. Ever since I bought my motorcycle, I’ve considered a few “biker gangs” to join. I’m willing to hear you out on the gang you’re in. Tell me the name & the cause.

Ha, if you're a regular reader, you know my gang (as a wayward teen) was “The Lads.” Our cause was always to create the most legal mayhem in the least amount of time. We were successful.

Legal debauchery? Score! You can ride on the back while I take you to the meeting. That would make you my…well, doesn’t matter. Just make sure you wear the jacket in my saddlebags…for protection of course! *jacket has patch on back “I’m a wee little Irish lassie”*

At least the wind will blow in my hair as we travel to the first annual Beacon of Baldness conference, where I shall, of course, give the waiter’s keynote speech.

Sidenote: my hair is almost down to the middle of my back and just because it blows in the wind onto your head while we ride, doesn’t mean you can claim it as your own. And stop burying your head in my hair when we are at stop lights! People will eventually figure it out, Mark!! I mean, "wee lassie"!

6. Alf?

No! Alf was an unbelievable character who never used the bathroom. Garfield, on the other hand, is a lasagna-eating, talking cat who hangs out with a poor, single owner. What about this doesn’t make complete sense?

I’m sorry you had to analyze that but I was just looking for my friend. I guess I spoke out loud…oops! *looks inside gym bag* Oh, well there she is! Just kidding.

(Puzzled look)… I thought A. Lex needed this before Friday?

He would if I didn’t reserve it for you to wear on our bike ride to see “the Lads”.  Oops…I mean to the Nightmare before Christmas dress up party. Yeah…*clears throat*

 

7. If 2’s a pair & 3’s a crowd, what is 4?

(Keeping guttery mind in place… thinks again…) Four is a Scrabble team or a group of card players… I know a *great* game called “Seven.”  I will teach this game to the eight inhabitants of the Island, which I have named “O’Koopmans.” (I used to be conceited, but now I’m perfect in my magnanimous-ness.)

Um…ok? I thought it was a number between 3 & 5…but whatever. You still got something right here *points at his lip corner with lipstick smear*

That’s not a lipstick smear; it’s the remnants of a strawberry that the Bartender put in my Blue Hawaiian.

What’s that A. Lex? He’s lying? Well! Mark, I’m ashamed of you! I was considering giving the autograph, but screw your chances now buddy!

 

8. I’m pretty tired of carrying around this box. It’s been through 3 interviews. Screw it…I’M OPENING IT MYSELF! Oh, crap. I didn’t expect that…um, could you read what the note inside says?

“Dude, please don’t touch the control panel underneath the plaid tablecloth. It controls the four hundred Borg’s I use to get through all my daily comments – all of which are buried under this tiny Pacific Island run by a weird, bald former Hawaiian Hula dancer. Thanks and respect,” Joey “The Voice” Cagliari (PS… the Bloggers know me as A. Lex Caveat, but that’s just a stage name.)

That must be crypt for don’t trust the guy carrying around the “softball” gym bag. *touches control panel anyways. Vanity mirror pops up* Well, Mark, Joey, A.Lex, whoever you are…this does NOT help your case!”

I have no idea how that vanity case got in there… the last time I saw it was in the glove compartment (which is on the roof) of the Lambfervan.

What’s that A. Lex? You think he needs to see a doctor for his compulsive lying? Ok. I’ll send him there on the next question. I gotcha, buddy.

 

9. I’m going to do a vocal cord & heart rhythmic check…here it goes. Close your eyes & now…OPEN THEM! *puts plastic Santa in face*

 Papa? Is that you?

Nurse, patients seems stable & normal. Interesting. No, don’t tell him he forgot to tie the back of the gown up...

Wow. It is windy in here.

 

10. Mark? MARK?

Sorry, I’m fine. I used to think that Santa was my daddy, but the blue pills help a lot and now I guess I’ll never know… But, please do tell: Who’s yer Daddy?

Nurse, let’s have some fun. Oh, Mark? You want to know who's yer Daddy? Me! *takes photo of his backside & emails to “the Lads”*

11. Ok, that’s it. We are going to have a dance off….ready?

I love dancing to Depeche Mode (requires little movement and they wrote the O’Koopmans National Anthem, Enjoy The Silence) and also to whatever is Tiesto’s latest hit. (Shouts over the beats of Mistral… Isn’t this great!!”)

Nurse, Taser him. Quickly!

(You sooo left yourself open to this one, he said.) Ahem, coughs. Clears voice. “Dude, don’t taze me, bro!”

Here, Mr. John Kerry, you can do the honors, sir * hands over gym bag while he puts Mark in it & zips him up* No sir, I’m sorry. I would think using him as a piñata would be “sack”religious….hahahaha…sir that was funny. You set me up.

 

12. All kidding aside, I‘d like to take a moment to be a bit more serious. Close your eyes, breathe, open them. Ok, here it goes. Are you the dancing queen, young & sweet, only seventeen?

I am an ABBA fan, for real. (You said this interview will only be shared with your family, right?) Indeed, the capital of O’Koopmans is Abbaville and when it comes time to Karaoke, out comes the booklet and I will sing at least two ABBA songs before clearing the bar or our house.

So THAT’S what happened at the Karaoke bar! I thought there was a fire with the way people were running out holding their ears. But…I thought I saw a woman singing…*looks down at open gym bag with girl clothes* Oh! Wow, Mark, you have NO SHAME!

I have neither shame nor fame, but at least I have my O'irish accent, a lot of blue face paint, my little pony and they can never take away our Freeedoommm (unless they taze us, bro.)

*Mr. Kerry whispers in ear* Yes, sir. I guess you’re right…*shouts to upset crowd from O’Koopman’s Island forming* Everyone!! Mr. Kerry will get the first wack of the Mark piñata!

(Lays on long couch) So, Dr. T., you want to know what have I learned? (learnt?) from this interview? Well, I’m now the proud owner of my own pacific island, however, the sparse population has built two new houses using my complete works of Stephen King as foundation stones. (I just hope they leave the door unlocked, in case…. Oh, look, hereee’s Johnny!!!) I also have no idea about current issues in the WWE, but that’s OK. I am secure in my own hometown homie-ness as I drive ‘round the hood in my ticked off Lambfervan, while I listen to Band Aid singing Do They Know It’s Christmas?And apparently, I own a gym bag that may or not belong to A.Lex, but The Lads have nicked it from me again. ‘Nuff said.

Don’t forget what else we learned today. You like to blame other people for your fetishes, Stephen King & John Kerry are upset with you, you stalk people for autographs, you like to tuck yourself under my hair when we hang out, your island is about to overthrow their leader & santa and you need to take a paternity test. It’d explain a lot!! You have earned you badge, Mr. Koopmans, and apparently so does A. Lex. I’ll let you pin her, I mean him, yourself.

 

 

 

*If you'd like a crack at a fun interview & earn your own badge, let me know! email me at tammybr12@gmail.com!!