Some of you may NOT know her, but are you READY to? You might be FRIGHTENED when you meet this girl.
YOU'VE READ IT HERE FIRST!
**p.s. I specifically did this type of interview as a quick creative writing between 2 people...in a "unique" sorta on the spot kinda way & because I like comedy.
1. So, Morgan Shamy totally screwed me on the WWE thing. They're doing a Thanksgiving show & are pretty mad I can't go. This will make the 2nd time turning them down unless you cover me. What should I tell them your name, character & special move is...and don't hit on my boyfriend, John Cena.
"*Goes to look up who the heck John Cena is* Oh, um, sure thing. Let's see...my name is Yo Mama, I wear an apron and carry a rolling pin, and my signature move is called Time-Out, where I slam my opponent into the corner bar of the ring. No one messes with Yo Mama."
I'm sorry, the whole time you said that, I pictured Mrs. Butterworth's. By the way, I know WWE girls can dress rauchy...but I think JUST an apron is a little...well, you'll need a lot of placement tape in a lot of places...just saying.
"Please, Tammy. I'm not THAT tasteless. Of course I'd have on a spandex suit underneath the apron, I thought that went without saying. Doesn't everyone wear spandex while wrestling? Also, don't insult me. I'm WAY better looking than Mrs. Butterworth's.
Uh? *says while forking pancakes dredged in Mrs. Butterworth's into mouth while watching Mystic Pizza with Julia Robert's in spandex bodysuits*
"NOOO! Not Julia Roberts. I HATE her. *shudders*"
2. I just got a call from my oh so popular Hollywood agent. Mr. Holla Moneybags wants to know what reality show I'd like to try out for & to bring a friend. I'll let you pick.
"I'll give you 2 to pick from...either American Idol or Whose Line Is It Anyways. And YES those ARE reality shows in my book."
I'll pick Whose Line Is It Anyways just so I can go up to Drew Carey & tell him that in the future when someone offers him to host The Price Is Right - TURN IT DOWN...you'll be terrible at it!!!
"*snort* We agree on something."
3. Kriss Kross will make you _________.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Seriously though...jump."
Last time I checked it was "jump, jump" but who's counting...I guess me, right? That was a point off the interview...terrible.
Did you just body slam me?? Oh, it is ON!!! *pours Mrs. Butterworth's on mat* Bring it sass a frass!!
"The Slytherin in me knows how to pick my battles, & this *points to syrup* is NOT one of them. *runs away*
4. I like to play Go Fish & am quite the ace in the hole with it. Wanna play? Too late! My turn! Got any 8's?
"Nope. Looks like Tammy's goin' fishin'. (Name the movie?)"
*secretly pulls a few 8's out of pocket* Oh, wait, I got some, nevermind...dur...have any 10's? (hmmm...something about the # reminds me of bad things or is it $10?)
"Wrong movie. It's That Thing You Do. Also: cheater. Also: you & 10 have a history, & I'll stay out of the way."
You know what thing I'll DO?? *slams Darci into ring's corner* BODY CHECK! And what?? *throws $10 in face* You've just been Hamilton-ed. Google that!
5. So, I decided to spend the night at your house. Don't you just love the internet & the vast information we find? Yeah! Anyways, I need a late night snack; whatcha got in the fridge for me in that Tupperware dish?
"Probably something nasty. You caught us at a bad time, we've been meaning to clean that stuff out...*sniffs...winces*"
Oh, I though that you cut the cheese...figuratively speaking of course. Wait, no, *opens Tupperware* yep, it's old cut cheese. Dang that's moldy smelling...figuratively & literally speaking that is! You should stop eating old cheese; it eats at your digestive system apparently.
I can't believe you just exposed my refrigerator to the interwebz...I feel so dirty.
Here, this will help with your exposure issues *hands Darci placement tape & grins*
6. Ok, last time I gave away $10 it backfired in my face. Yeah, long story. The girl's in jail now worrying about her non-existent laces. So, I'm going to have you rob a candy store. Whatcha bringing back to my getaway car?
"EVERYTHING. All I ask is that I get to keep the smarties, airheads, & dark chocolate. You can have the rest. We ought to plan this carefully. If you tell me what you want I'll make sure to grab it. Just don't bail on me with the getaway car like the last job."
Let me just say, if you're going to be an "airhead" who thinks she's a "smartie" I have to bail just to not embarrass myself...but put a few red vines in your bra for me, ya? Peace out! *skids off* (that would be your dark chocolate movement...i mean moment. Gross Darci. I'm embarrassed for you...)
"Wow...and I thought my plumber-father was tactless...Seriously now...take an airhead, & press some smarties into it, & eat it. *cue delicious sugar rush*"
*whips out Mrs. Butterworth's & drizzles into both mouths* Here comes ULTIMATE SUGAR RUSH!!!
7. Luke Wilson or Owen Wilson?
"Who's Luke Wilson? *runs to google* Oh, no...Owen Wilson all the way. Cars, Shanghai Noon/Shanghai Knights, he's the best."
And...he has a crooked nose that drives me insane!!! It's unfortunate that he probably nose that people stare at his nose & wonders how his nose got so crooked. But who nose?
"HA! WELL said :) "
8. Lately I've been giving away a box. Apparently the last person neglected to open the box. I guess you'll get whatever's in it (praying it's my lost $10)
"I like boxes with stuff in them. Gifts are one of my love languages. Also, this is not a question."
I, too, like boxes with stuff in them. This is a trick "question." I thought you said you're an "airhead"! Oh great, you tricked me with the "smarties" comment didn't you? Touche my friend, touche. Well played... *GRABS box back*
"Wait! I don't get to keep...? Oh, Oh well. Nevermind."
9. If I woodchuck could chuck wood, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?
"First of all, its "If a" woodchuck could chuck wood, not "I". I'm not at liberty to discuss the answer to that. You'll have to ask Deep Thought."
First of all, I CAN woodchuck. I've done yoga so I'm very lumber...I mean limber. I think you get what I mean. Besides, I'm already in "deep thought" over trying to figure out what I mean...shhh...I'm still thinking. Let's take a water break. Gotta google about a man named chuck, wood, & being limber...I mean has lumber. Whatever!
"Deep Thought = a Stupendous Super Computer, the size of a small city, with a rich, resonant, deep voice. Has a habit of being contemptous & impatient. (via Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy). He can answer this question. Good luck finding him though..."
All that sophisticated jibber jabber - one more point taken off
10. Ok Macgyver. I'm giving you string, 2 cups, cotton balls, a paperclip & some tape. Where are you escaping from & how?
"What kind of question is that? *Avoiding answering because I have no idea*
I see the "airhead" is another ploy. Oh, you're good Darci, real good!! I'm not falling for it (finds myself wrapped up in string around a chair, cups on top of head, paperclip between them, tape on mouth & cottonballs in Darci's ears) *mumbles under tape* Is this a bad remake scene of Weird Science with the cups? Well played. Embarrassing, but well played. This will be MY dark chocolate movement...I mean moment.
"Er, YEAH! That's RIGHT! Don't mess with me...Watch out....ya'll... *Shifty eyes*"
*whispers to audience* Help...me!
11. I'm feeling generous today. I'm going to allow you to be the bird you've always wanted to be. I know, weird right? Hey, you've caught me in a good mood. What are you flying as?
A PHOENIX. A grey one. You'll have to wait for my book on the subject for the details. *evil laugh*
I pick an eagle & I'm gonna totally annihilate you & it's ok because I'm a rare beautiful bird & people will just take pictures saying wow, look at that eagle eating. *click* *click* (evil laughing, too) Alright. I'll go eat a mouse instead. I don't want to be a bad host. Tell me more about this book. *says with mouthful of mouse*
"Super powers, phoenixes...imagine a mix of Bourne, Power Rangers, & Avengers. I'll leave it at that. I'm still debating whether it'll be better as YA or MG. Thank you for not eating me."
*slurps mouse tail like noodle* What was that you said? Could you pass me the Mrs. Butterworth's? *drizzles in mouth. looks at Darci* Ok, fine...*drizzles in her mouth as she grabs airheads & smarties* Does YA mean "yeah alright" and MG "maybe gonna"? I'd go with YA; seems more optimistic.
12. Alright, this is your final emotional meltdown question where we get to the nitty gritty of who you really are. I have to ask, & I know this is a sensitive subject for you but are you Mmm bop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du bop, ba duba dop, ba du?
"OH MY GOSH I LOVE HANSON!!!!!! And I love that you got ALL those words exactly right. And now I will happily have that song stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Well done. *applauses*"
Cut and duba dop ba du bop Paste du bop...whoa whoa...mmm bop works ba duba dop awesome ba du. I kinda sorta ba dub dop got the ba duba song dop ba du in my head ba duba dop ba du bop, too!
"Hehehe. It does tend to do that. I'm not sure I really survived this. I'm less funny than I thought I was, & apparently I'm into stuff that no one else is...movie quoting, Owen Wilson, Hanson, SciFi...I thought everyone knew this stuff??? Wait...maybe that's just my husband..."
Don't forget what else we learned today...you like to wear spandex like a young Julia Roberts from the '90s, you have anger management issues as you're always hitting or threatening people, you may need an enema done (put the cheese & candy down!), & you tend to talk babytalk...jibber jabber. Yep, you're right! Not sure you survived rather than found you REALLY do love your husband. Glad I could help your relationship. That'll be $10!! :)~ NOW I'm going to award you a special
"I SURVIVED MY INTERVIEW WITH TAMMY THERIAULT" badge:
*Enjoyed the interview? Think you have what it takes to complete the quickwit exercise & earn your badge? Let me know! Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.